It's been a while since I've written on this blog. There's a few factors contributing to that. Part of it was not knowing what to share now that my missionary days are over, Part was just not having time in the midst of starting my teaching and coaching career. But I think another part of it was needing to first figure out what exactly God is doing in my life right now.
Transitions have never been easy for me, and even one as exciting as being engaged, moving home to Fargo, and beginning my dream job of teaching and coaching at a Catholic school, has been a little difficult. Most of that is my fault. Instead of letting myself be happy, I gave in to stress over the silliest things. Most of it was self-inflicted, unrealistic expectations for myself. Some of it was also because I failed to make room for God each day. Prayer the past two months has been something to check off my daily list, rather than much-needed time with the Creator of my heart. Thankfully, that's all changing now.
Everything begin to fall into place about two weeks ago. After another stressed out moment talking to Devin, he looked me in the eyes and said that the solution to my stress was very simple. Just take a deep breath and say "be happy" and smile. At first it seemed so silly, I mean there is just too much going on... how could just telling myself to "be happy" actually help? Despite my doubt, I decided to try it. After all, Devin is one of the happiest, most patient people I know. If this is what he does then maybe it will work. And it did!
The facts of my life have not changed: I still am a first year teacher, coaching volleyball, and planning a wedding. But now I'm starting to see all of these roles as blessings rather than stressors. I am a first year teacher - teaching math to 85 incredible 7th graders. I get to pray with them every day, along with being a math nerd. I am a volleyball coach - and I love being on the court and encouraging my team. I am planning a wedding - to the man I am convinced was put on this earth to get me to Heaven. It's pretty hard not to smile and just thank God constantly when I put on the "be happy" lens to my life.
As these blessings began to be more apparent, I also realized that God deserves more time in my life, even if I'm no longer a missionary. Tomorrow, I renew my consecration to Mary. With that, I'm also making a new, fresh commitment to my spiritual life. I won't share all the details here, but let's just say my 15 minutes of prayer will be stretched to more and Scripture and the rosary are back in my day - everyday. I'm done using being "busy" as an excuse not to become holy. I can't live out my Vocation to marriage and vocation to teaching without Jesus' help. And He is right there waiting for me..... every minute of every day.
To those of you who feel overwhelmed by what God is asking of you... take a deep breath... be happy... and smile.
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
The Peace Only Jesus Can Give
Today was a great reminder of why I need to spend time in Adoration whenever possible. I entered the beautiful Adoration chapel at my home parish with my mind racing today. Lately, I have been feeling the approach of the upcoming school year quite acutely and have been wondering how I will ever be ready when my students show up on August 21st. Add in finishing my online class, teaching Vacation Bible School, and planning a wedding and life just seems overwhelming! I spent the first part of my prayer simply distracted. Finally, I gave up my attempt at meditating on today's Gospel and opened my current prayer-time read: a book compiling various reflections on the saints from Pope Benedict XVI.
After reading what he had to say about St. Joseph and Mary's fiat at the Annunciation, a theme was beginning to develop.... simply do the task that God has given you. After all, that is what Mary and her spouse Joseph did to become saints... they simply and humbly did what God asked ("Be it done unto me according to your word.") As I came to this recognition, I noticed a deep peace fill my soul and a strange new confidence fill me... I'm going to be ready.
This summer has been one big lesson in letting God prepare me for the roles He has planned for me. Every day presents new challenges and opportunities to grow as a future teacher and wife. I am thrilled to begin my teaching career, and even more excited to begin my marriage to Devin. God has called me to these great roles... and He just needs a simple yes. He does all the rest. With Him, I know that I will be ready when those seventh graders show up in just a few weeks. And I know that everything will fall into place to make our wedding day a beautiful one. God won't have it any other way.
It's amazing what that prayer time did for my attitude. I headed off to Caribou (or as my mom would say, my office) this afternoon and was incredibly productive. My online class is no longer causing me stress. Preparing for school will be a breeze thanks to Pinterest (I don't know how teachers could do it otherwise). Once my confidence in my call to teach was lit, the ideas, hopes, and dreams for the year came faster than I could write them.
I know that there will be times when the world will shake my peace a little. But at least I know how to find it again - by simply saying yes to Jesus's invitation to just sit with Him. After all.... He has waited over 2000 years in the Eucharist just for me to be able to visit Him there.
After reading what he had to say about St. Joseph and Mary's fiat at the Annunciation, a theme was beginning to develop.... simply do the task that God has given you. After all, that is what Mary and her spouse Joseph did to become saints... they simply and humbly did what God asked ("Be it done unto me according to your word.") As I came to this recognition, I noticed a deep peace fill my soul and a strange new confidence fill me... I'm going to be ready.
This summer has been one big lesson in letting God prepare me for the roles He has planned for me. Every day presents new challenges and opportunities to grow as a future teacher and wife. I am thrilled to begin my teaching career, and even more excited to begin my marriage to Devin. God has called me to these great roles... and He just needs a simple yes. He does all the rest. With Him, I know that I will be ready when those seventh graders show up in just a few weeks. And I know that everything will fall into place to make our wedding day a beautiful one. God won't have it any other way.
It's amazing what that prayer time did for my attitude. I headed off to Caribou (or as my mom would say, my office) this afternoon and was incredibly productive. My online class is no longer causing me stress. Preparing for school will be a breeze thanks to Pinterest (I don't know how teachers could do it otherwise). Once my confidence in my call to teach was lit, the ideas, hopes, and dreams for the year came faster than I could write them.
I know that there will be times when the world will shake my peace a little. But at least I know how to find it again - by simply saying yes to Jesus's invitation to just sit with Him. After all.... He has waited over 2000 years in the Eucharist just for me to be able to visit Him there.
Monday, July 7, 2014
He Hears Me... Literally
Last week, I was running a little late to get to 5:15 mass after a day of babysitting. I had decided to return some library books, and found myself crunched on time in rush-hour traffic (yes... Fargo, ND has a rush hour). As I waited at yet another red light, I prayed: "Jesus, please help me be on time for Mass." The minutes continued to tick by as I approached each block closer to St. Anthony's. As I took my last turn, I again glanced at the clock: 5:13. And then I smiled. I would get there... literally on time. "Ok, Lord, a little early would also have worked.." I parked my car and got into the Church, joining Devin in the pew as the priest entered. Jesus got me there on time... with a literal answer to my quick prayer.
It's funny because just earlier that day I was reading the daily Gospel and marveling at the disbelief of Jesus' apostles. The Gospel was Matthew 8:23-27, where Jesus calms the storm at sea. The apostles wake Him in the midst of the storm: "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" And then, just a few verses later, after Jesus has done what they asked, they are "amazed" and say: "What sort of man is this, whom even the winds and the sea obey?" Um... hello apostles... you're the ones who woke Jesus and asked Him to save you... why are you so surprised that He was able to do what you asked?
I think that sometimes we are like the apostles. We ask God for something in prayer and then, when He does just what we asked, we are confused. How did He do that? We, like the apostles, have "little faith." We pray, but we don't actually believe that God hears us or will actually respond. But if God truly loves us as His children... why wouldn't He? And if God is really all-powerful, why do we doubt His ability to intervene?
In addition to sometimes being surprised that God actually hears and answers us, I think we can also fall into the trap of letting our little faith prevent us from ever even asking for what we consider to be impossible. Whether it's for the conversion or healing of someone we love, or something as small as God sending us the song we need while using our iPod on a run, we don't ask for things because we don't really believe that God could do that.
Lately, I've been trying to expand my faith and trust that "with God, all things are possible." I've been praying for what others may declare to be impossible, knowing that God might have a different way to answer my prayer than I expect, but placing my desire for these miracles in His hands anyway. Regardless of the outcome, I can already see that praying in this way is increasing my faith and God has already responded to these prayers in some big ways, more than just maneuvering traffic so I get to Mass on time. I invite you to do the same, right now. Ask God for something that you consider out of His hands, or too big for Him. And then be at peace, knowing that He will answer your prayer in the way (and time) that He knows is best.
It's funny because just earlier that day I was reading the daily Gospel and marveling at the disbelief of Jesus' apostles. The Gospel was Matthew 8:23-27, where Jesus calms the storm at sea. The apostles wake Him in the midst of the storm: "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" And then, just a few verses later, after Jesus has done what they asked, they are "amazed" and say: "What sort of man is this, whom even the winds and the sea obey?" Um... hello apostles... you're the ones who woke Jesus and asked Him to save you... why are you so surprised that He was able to do what you asked?
I think that sometimes we are like the apostles. We ask God for something in prayer and then, when He does just what we asked, we are confused. How did He do that? We, like the apostles, have "little faith." We pray, but we don't actually believe that God hears us or will actually respond. But if God truly loves us as His children... why wouldn't He? And if God is really all-powerful, why do we doubt His ability to intervene?
In addition to sometimes being surprised that God actually hears and answers us, I think we can also fall into the trap of letting our little faith prevent us from ever even asking for what we consider to be impossible. Whether it's for the conversion or healing of someone we love, or something as small as God sending us the song we need while using our iPod on a run, we don't ask for things because we don't really believe that God could do that.
Lately, I've been trying to expand my faith and trust that "with God, all things are possible." I've been praying for what others may declare to be impossible, knowing that God might have a different way to answer my prayer than I expect, but placing my desire for these miracles in His hands anyway. Regardless of the outcome, I can already see that praying in this way is increasing my faith and God has already responded to these prayers in some big ways, more than just maneuvering traffic so I get to Mass on time. I invite you to do the same, right now. Ask God for something that you consider out of His hands, or too big for Him. And then be at peace, knowing that He will answer your prayer in the way (and time) that He knows is best.
Friday, June 20, 2014
A Job isn't Everything
After two months of not blogging, I realized I truly do have some graces to share with my blog followers. The past couple months have been busy... finishing up my mission in Duluth, saying goodbye and filling boxes for the move, settling in to my new place in Fargo, teaching summer school, and wedding planning. Now that my summer has truly started, it's incredible what God is revealing to me about the purpose of this transition in my life.
Everything I have learned in prayer and through life recently can be summed up in: I don't need a job in FOCUS to be a saint. For the past 6 years, my life as a student missionary and then campus missionary were how I lived out my call to holiness. I learned a lot through the mentors, friends, teammates, and students I spent time with. My schedule, especially the past two years, was structured around a daily holy hour and mass. Part of my fears in leaving FOCUS were not knowing what my prayer and apostolate would look like without that structure. But the truth is, that time was training ground for this... the rest of my life.
So what has being launched been like?
Well, after a few weeks of struggling to find the balance, I finally am back to making time for Jesus everyday. It's not quite as structured, but the past few days I have been blessed to spend time in Adoration... just talking to Jesus about the woman He is calling me to be. Not the missionary, or team director, or teacher He wants me to be... just who He wants me to be. What does He want me to focus on now? What purpose does this summer without a job have?
Virtue. Pursuing virtue. Not because of my "job", but because I'm called to be a saint. The job I have doesn't define me or give me worth (which is good, as I'm unemployed until August). Rather, my worth comes from being God's daughter. And that is what He wants me to be this summer. It's refreshing to have the simplicity of truly taking it all one day at a time.
So what is my plan for the next two months? Well, I'm going to plan my days around Adoration and Mass. Spend time getting ready to teach seventh grade math this upcoming school year. Do some continuing education. Spend time with my family. And prepare to marry my best friend in just six months. Most importantly, I'm just going to live... right here, in these days that God has given me to learn that my holiness isn't dependent on my job, but rather on the choices I make each moment, for or against His plan for my life.
Everything I have learned in prayer and through life recently can be summed up in: I don't need a job in FOCUS to be a saint. For the past 6 years, my life as a student missionary and then campus missionary were how I lived out my call to holiness. I learned a lot through the mentors, friends, teammates, and students I spent time with. My schedule, especially the past two years, was structured around a daily holy hour and mass. Part of my fears in leaving FOCUS were not knowing what my prayer and apostolate would look like without that structure. But the truth is, that time was training ground for this... the rest of my life.
So what has being launched been like?
Well, after a few weeks of struggling to find the balance, I finally am back to making time for Jesus everyday. It's not quite as structured, but the past few days I have been blessed to spend time in Adoration... just talking to Jesus about the woman He is calling me to be. Not the missionary, or team director, or teacher He wants me to be... just who He wants me to be. What does He want me to focus on now? What purpose does this summer without a job have?
Virtue. Pursuing virtue. Not because of my "job", but because I'm called to be a saint. The job I have doesn't define me or give me worth (which is good, as I'm unemployed until August). Rather, my worth comes from being God's daughter. And that is what He wants me to be this summer. It's refreshing to have the simplicity of truly taking it all one day at a time.
So what is my plan for the next two months? Well, I'm going to plan my days around Adoration and Mass. Spend time getting ready to teach seventh grade math this upcoming school year. Do some continuing education. Spend time with my family. And prepare to marry my best friend in just six months. Most importantly, I'm just going to live... right here, in these days that God has given me to learn that my holiness isn't dependent on my job, but rather on the choices I make each moment, for or against His plan for my life.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
An Encouraging Adventure in the Snow
Living in Duluth and being a FOCUS missionary has provided me with opportunities for many firsts - and many amazing friends. Last night was a prime example.
Instead of our usual one hour bible study, four ladies from my athletes bible study and I decided to brave Duluth's April snow storm and go to the movie "God's Not Dead." It was so worth it! The movie is inspired by college students who have fought for the right to practice and profess their faith on campus - and tells the story of a college freshman who refuses to sign his name to the statement "God is dead" in an introductory philosophy course taught by an atheist professor. What ensues is a challenge to convince the rest of his class to also believe that "God is Not Dead". I'm pretty sure all five of us walked away encouraged to boldly live our faith in Jesus too.
(for more watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z7f5-jZlzs)
After the movie, we proceeded back up to campus, with Monica driving. For those of you who know Duluth, you probably know that even the littlest snow can make 21st Ave pretty icy. Well, about 2 blocks up, Monica's car decided that it couldn't make it any further on its own. Rather than go back down and find an alternative route, Maddie, Jenna, Allison, and I pile out of the car and push uphill. It was so encouraging to just experience the joy of working together and achieving a goal. No one complained, no one was discouraged. We all just knew that a little teamwork would get the car rolling. Sure enough, we pushed the car up with ease, piled back in, and drove to campus.
These adventures, and the friends I get to have them with, are definitely a huge part of what I love about being a missionary here at UMD!!
Have a great Triduum everyone!
Instead of our usual one hour bible study, four ladies from my athletes bible study and I decided to brave Duluth's April snow storm and go to the movie "God's Not Dead." It was so worth it! The movie is inspired by college students who have fought for the right to practice and profess their faith on campus - and tells the story of a college freshman who refuses to sign his name to the statement "God is dead" in an introductory philosophy course taught by an atheist professor. What ensues is a challenge to convince the rest of his class to also believe that "God is Not Dead". I'm pretty sure all five of us walked away encouraged to boldly live our faith in Jesus too.
(for more watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z7f5-jZlzs)
After the movie, we proceeded back up to campus, with Monica driving. For those of you who know Duluth, you probably know that even the littlest snow can make 21st Ave pretty icy. Well, about 2 blocks up, Monica's car decided that it couldn't make it any further on its own. Rather than go back down and find an alternative route, Maddie, Jenna, Allison, and I pile out of the car and push uphill. It was so encouraging to just experience the joy of working together and achieving a goal. No one complained, no one was discouraged. We all just knew that a little teamwork would get the car rolling. Sure enough, we pushed the car up with ease, piled back in, and drove to campus.
These adventures, and the friends I get to have them with, are definitely a huge part of what I love about being a missionary here at UMD!!
Have a great Triduum everyone!
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
What Comes First.... Waiting is Worth it
For the past week and a half, my life has felt slightly like a dream. I'm still not entirely convinced I'm not dreaming. But then I look at my left hand.... and I know it's true.... I'm going to marry my best friend.
On April 5, Devin asked me to be his wife - and I said yes! I would have been crazy not to. Here is an amazing, virtuous, loving man who makes me a better person each and every day. This incredible man has stood by me through the ups and downs of the craziness of this year, learning how to be team director, going on mission to Guyana, and continuing to learn how to be a missionary. And now, there's actually a count on how many days are left before we become one in the sacrament of marriage. There is no doubt in my mind that marrying Devin will allow me to be a saint, help him to become one too, and raise kids to be disciples of Jesus.
What I have learned most in these 10 days of being engaged though is how worth it waiting is and how trusting God and His timing has been so good. Let me explain some priorities:
Love Jesus First, then Devin I used to wish and wish for my future spouse, but now I see how important it was that I learned to love and be loved by Jesus first. As amazing as Devin is, he can't always be here and there are still times I must rely on Jesus. Jesus also has taught me how to let myself be loved, which I know has helped me to open my heart to Devin in ways I never could have before. Plus, Jesus teaches me how to love Devin... and I want to love him the best that I can.
Friendship First, then Dating Devin and I met 3 1/2 years ago, but didn't start dating until last May. Waiting for God's perfect timing was so good - because we built an amazing friendship before God finally knocked some sense into us that we should probably date. This friendship has been the foundation of all the romance, and has made it that much better. I love being able to say that I'm going to marry my best friend.
Ring First, then Pinterest That's right. Despite my love of Pinterest, I haven't ever had a wedding board. And I'm so glad! Because now, Devin and I can plan OUR dream wedding rather than mine. I'm not saying it's bad to have a wedding board before your ring, but for me, it has made the excitement of wedding planning so much more because everything is new and can be planned for US. Although... I'm starting a board right after I publish this post, because let's be real... now I do have a wedding to plan!
Wedding First, then Marriage This one might take a little more explanation. My uncle, Fr. Austin, said at my cousin's wedding that if you aren't married, don't live like you are. Well, that's what Devin and I are doing. Although we know that soon we will be married, we are waiting until that day to act like we are. Put bluntly, we aren't living together or sleeping together til we say "I do". Not only do the facts show that 9 out of 10 couples who move in together don't make it in the long run, but we also know that it would be a lie to live in a way that isn't actually an accurate portrayal of the reality. We aren't married yet, so we aren't acting like it yet.
Finally, I just want to encourage anyone reading this post that God really does want you to be happy. I used to wonder... like if God really wanted me to be happy, where was this amazing man he supposedly has for me? Well the truth was, for a couple years of college he was right in the apartment above me.... but it wasn't time yet. God knew my true happiness could only take place if I would wait... and Devin would wait... and then when we were both ready, He could show us how to love Him through one another. God doesn't ask us to wait because He wants us to suffer, He wants us to wait so we can have fullness of joy, not just fleeting.
Please pray for Devin and I as we prepare for marriage!
 |
| the night we got engaged |
Monday, March 24, 2014
More Real than I Ever Realized
As someone who grew up Catholic, I've attended thousands of Masses in my 24 1/2 years of life. I've even been to Mass in other countries and languages. Since my freshman year of college, I've been a pretty faithful daily mass goer, with my current role as a full-time missionary easily allowing time for this every day. Yet, it was yesterday at Mass that it all became very real.
I think one of the potential pitfalls of loving to read about the Catholic faith is that it can sometimes seem too good to be true, like a really good story.... and end there. I've read the Bible, the Catechism, and countless books about the saints, evangelization, Church teaching, and sacraments. Even a few books on the Mass. But I think when I read about how the Mass is Heaven on Earth, or how it is our participation in the worship God receives from saints and angels in Heaven, I thought: "well that's real nice." I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this either... I've met students and talked to people whose experience of Mass just isn't what these books made it out to be. And so I thought "hm... if only this were true."
Now, I'm not saying I've never had a good experience at Mass or that God has never given me any grace from Mass. But, this Sunday everything felt real in a way I can't remember ever experiencing before. As I heard the first reading proclaimed, I truly felt part of a family, a group of believers, coming together to listen to God's word - not just be talked at. I was filled with an awe of the Eucharist that I have sometimes experienced, but was combined with deep gratitude and a feeling of unworthiness to receive Jesus' Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity into my own body. And overall, a deep joy flooded my heart. All that I have read is actually true and I don't need to think "if only..."!
Not only has my appreciation and understanding of the reality of the Mass been radically transformed by yesterday morning, but so has my approach to reading about the faith. As I read my current book (Evangelical Catholicism - George Weigel) while on the elliptical today, I realized that he is talking about a real Church, with real people, and a real mission. No longer is reading simply reading, it's a deepening of my understanding of reality. My faith in Jesus is real, and it makes a difference. The Catholic faith that I believe is real - and not just for me, but for the world. It is the truth, not a truth, and one that the world desperately needs. Rather than approaching mission as sharing how Jesus has transformed my life (which I will still do), I feel like now I can more fully share with people that Jesus can and will transform their life for the better as well.
To those of you reading this, I encourage you to ask God for the grace to see your faith in Him in a real and tangible way this week. Maybe it will be through the beauty of creation or through the love of another person. Maybe it will be experiencing the Mass or Confession as the instruments of God's grace that they are. I pray that you will be able to know the reality of God's love for you - and live your life in a way that invites others to know His love for them.
I think one of the potential pitfalls of loving to read about the Catholic faith is that it can sometimes seem too good to be true, like a really good story.... and end there. I've read the Bible, the Catechism, and countless books about the saints, evangelization, Church teaching, and sacraments. Even a few books on the Mass. But I think when I read about how the Mass is Heaven on Earth, or how it is our participation in the worship God receives from saints and angels in Heaven, I thought: "well that's real nice." I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this either... I've met students and talked to people whose experience of Mass just isn't what these books made it out to be. And so I thought "hm... if only this were true."
Now, I'm not saying I've never had a good experience at Mass or that God has never given me any grace from Mass. But, this Sunday everything felt real in a way I can't remember ever experiencing before. As I heard the first reading proclaimed, I truly felt part of a family, a group of believers, coming together to listen to God's word - not just be talked at. I was filled with an awe of the Eucharist that I have sometimes experienced, but was combined with deep gratitude and a feeling of unworthiness to receive Jesus' Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity into my own body. And overall, a deep joy flooded my heart. All that I have read is actually true and I don't need to think "if only..."!
Not only has my appreciation and understanding of the reality of the Mass been radically transformed by yesterday morning, but so has my approach to reading about the faith. As I read my current book (Evangelical Catholicism - George Weigel) while on the elliptical today, I realized that he is talking about a real Church, with real people, and a real mission. No longer is reading simply reading, it's a deepening of my understanding of reality. My faith in Jesus is real, and it makes a difference. The Catholic faith that I believe is real - and not just for me, but for the world. It is the truth, not a truth, and one that the world desperately needs. Rather than approaching mission as sharing how Jesus has transformed my life (which I will still do), I feel like now I can more fully share with people that Jesus can and will transform their life for the better as well.
To those of you reading this, I encourage you to ask God for the grace to see your faith in Him in a real and tangible way this week. Maybe it will be through the beauty of creation or through the love of another person. Maybe it will be experiencing the Mass or Confession as the instruments of God's grace that they are. I pray that you will be able to know the reality of God's love for you - and live your life in a way that invites others to know His love for them.
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