Won me Over

This past weekend I had the opportunity to help staff a FOCUS Interview Weekend. These weekends are great times of discernment, and my own IW last year was super helpful in realizing how God had been preparing me to answer His call to be a missionary with FOCUS. I was excited to help on the opposite side of the process in St. Paul, yet curious to see what the weekend would hold. 

Throughout the weekend, I got to meet some amazing potential missionaries, spend time with FOCUS friends, and learn more about myself. It was a busy, packed weekend and staying up late catching up with friends didn't help how tired I felt. I got back to Duluth yesterday afternoon utterly exhausted and somewhat emotionally numb. All I wanted was to just lay down and somehow feel awake and alive again. Once I recognized that, I knew what I had to do... go to Jesus. 

I am so thankful for the Perpetual Adoration chapel here in Duluth. It is my place to go when I just need to be in the presence of my King. So about 6pm last night, I enter, kneel down, and just tell Jesus that He can have as much time as He needs to show me why I feel run down and sad. I spent until 7:30 there with Him, and the only thing I knew when I left was that He loves me and that I really just needed a good night of sleep. 

I got that solid sleep, and woke up to go to Mass this morning at 8am, even though technically we had the day off. I was feeling much better and wasn't expecting any major grace from Mass and prayer. Well, God loves to surprise me. As I finished praying, it just hit me. My life is different now. Jesus has truly changed everything. He has won my heart. 

As I got in my car to go to Caribou for some coffee, I realized that this was a huge grace from the weekend. God wanted to show me how different my life is compared to when I didn't know Him. Sure, I've always been a "practicing Catholic" and I've always believed in God, but it didn't impact my entire life. In high school, despite the love of my family, I would be miserable, feeling very alone, and striving to prove my worth through perfect grades and a reputation as a leader. I thought if I just got good grades and kept busy, I'd somehow earn the love my heart longed for. What I didn't know was that I desired something greater than what I was filling my life with. 

College started with that same mentality of needing to prove myself. My faith was on the radar only as something to do because everyone expected me to keep being a "good Catholic girl" and I didn't want to lose that reputation. Jesus had other plans. My desire for friends led me to a FOCUS bible study, and my life would never again be the same. Through the love of the other women, through reading God's Word and actually seeing how it mattered, through a new habit of daily mass, and most importantly through prayer, I met Jesus. 

Freshman year, I started to really pray. Not just a list of intentions like when I was little, but actually entering into conversation with Jesus. When my junior year started, God very clearly asked for an hour each day. I gave it to Him.... and He won me over. Before, I had never noticed that God was pursuing me, that He loved me enough to keep chasing after me even though I acted as though He didn't exist. I was so busy trying to prove I was worth loving, that I failed to understand that the love I desired couldn't be earned. It was already mine if I would just accept it. Accept that I can't do anything on my own, and that I am in desperate need of a Savior. I am God's daughter, and therefore, I'm worth it. 

My life is still not perfect. But, my life is now a joyful pursuit of a true purpose. Not to be a straight-A student or get recognized for being a good person or anything else. I am pursuing Heaven, pursuing sainthood. I am by no means done getting to know Jesus, and I still struggle at times to let Him love me and really be my best friend. But I know that is the goal and I'm ok with admitting that I need His help and the love of family and friends to remember that. 

When I let Jesus in, He changed everything. He won me over and now has called me to this incredible opportunity to share His love in a very tangible way. This weekend, I was asked by several applicants if I love my job. The answer? YES! I have the best job ever. Because I get to help college students meet Jesus Christ through His Church, through the Sacraments, Scripture, good friendships, and prayer. I just hope and pray that my life might bear witness to them of the joy He longs to give if they are willing to let Him love them. 

One last thing: my favorite artist, Audrey Assad, has a great song about this idea. I was blasting it in my car this morning on my drive to Caribou. It's also where I got the title for this post. Click here to listen and just know that Jesus is pursuing your heart too. 

Good to be Alive

Yesterday morning was a great morning. Here is a little synopsis of what happened:
5:45am: alarm goes off
6:01am: get in my car (no scraping of the windshield necessary!) and successfully get out of my parking spot surrounded by piles of snow from Sunday's blizzard
     a few minutes into my drive to campus, the song "Good to be Alive" by Jason Gray comes on the radio.
                      Click here to hear it: Good to be Alive on youtube
6:30am: spin class starts. I'm back on the bike after last week's injury, and that song sticks with me!
8am: Holy Hour starts.. a whole hour to just be with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and say thank you
9am: my day continues... on a super positive note.

So why was this schedule such a great start to a Tuesday? Well, for those of you who didn't click the link, there's a few parts of that song that really stuck with mes:

"Hold on, is this really the life I'm living? Cuz I don't feel like I deserve it ... 

I want to live like there's no tomorrow, love like I'm on borrowed time, it's good to be alive...

 all I want is to give you a life well-lived to say thank you..."

Now, I've heard this song before, but this time it stuck in my head. As I pedaled, I realized what a blessing it was to even be able to move my legs... something that a week ago, for those who read my post, was pretty painful due to pushing myself a little too hard at that first class. then I realized how incredible it was to be able to exercise, to breathe, to be alive... As I kept thinking about it, this overwhelming gratitude for my life just filled my heart... Thank you Jesus. The lyrics from the song keep popping into my head, what a blessing my life is, how undeserving I am, and how I desire to live this life well for Jesus.

Fast forward through the cool-down to morning holy hour. Once we finished morning prayer, I sat back and read a few Gospel accounts of men and women who expressed thankfulness when Jesus healed them. I spent a good part of the rest of my time in Adoration just filled with gratitude. For my physical existence, yes,  but also for the fact that I am God's daughter... He has fought for me. I was so caught up in my own drama in high school, but He never stopped looking for me and drawing me to Himself. And now, I have a relationship with Jesus that I never could have dreamed of. On a daily basis, I get to share my love of Him with the students here at UMD. And I am so incredibly blessed.

In that above schedule, I didn't mention our team meeting. However, the theme of thankfulness continued there because Andy led us in prayer by meditating on the creation account and thinking about our own creation. It was so cool because it reaffirmed everything that had been in my heart all morning and even took it a step further. I could see God on the day I was born, huge smile, full of joy...saying: "finally.... now she gets to receive my love. she gets to live this incredible life I have had planned since the beginning of time... she gets to change the world if she just says yes." Words can't even describe that prayer experience!

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Lent is a great time to rid our lives of those things which keep us from Jesus and prepare to celebrate His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. I'm not going to share all my Lenten resolutions here, but I have decided that some of them are going to focus on keeping this spirit of thankfulness alive. So, I am giving up complaining. And adding in some time at the end of each day to thank God for that day. For those of you who see me throughout Lent, if I am complaining, here is permission to (lovingly) point that out! I know I'm not perfect.. and that resolution will be a work in progress.

Jason Gray's song is just an incredible reflection on what a blessing our lives are, how beautiful they become through being lived, and how fitting it is to thank God by living life well for Him. Have a great Lent everyone!

"Pain" in Perspective

I woke up this morning and knew instantly: today will be rough. As I got out of bed, my legs just ached. I had gone to bed feeling a little sore, but woke up stiff. Muscles hurt that I didn't even know existed... what did I do to myself?

Well, a few weeks ago I agreed to go to 6:30am spin class with Tessa, a wonderful student here at UMD, 2 mornings a week. Last week, the class was full, so yesterday was my first day. It was a shocking reality check about how out of shape I am, but also a reminder of my 4 years biking in the NDSU vs. UND Newman bike race. I figured a one hour class wouldn't be too terrible compared to those 40 mile races in the North Dakota wind... false.

bison courts bike race crew 2011

So this morning, here I am just aching every time I move, convinced that if my muscles could talk, they would be screaming. All morning, it was somewhat consuming my thoughts... and I was complaining about it to almost anyone who inquired as to how I was doing. Wimp? yes.

However, today happens to be the day when the Church remembers St. Paul Miki and his companions, men who were martyred for the faith in Japan in 1597. At noon Mass at Newman, Fr. Mike gives this awesome homily about a quote from St. Paul Miki:

"The only reason for my being killed is that I have taught the doctrine of Christ. I thank God it is for this reason that I die...After Christ's example, I forgive my persecutors. I do not hate them. I ask God to have pity on all, and I hope my blood will fall on my fellow men as fruitful rain." 

Fr. Mike shared how sometimes we want our way so badly that we can't recognize a bigger purpose. We get focused on ourselves and stop there. As he spoke, I just knew that this was God's way of telling me that I really don't have it that bad. For one, this initial pain of getting in shape will get better. It's not like I can't move at all. And, it is a wonderful opportunity to embrace my mom's "offer it up" motto.

Now that I have been given this needed reality check, my "pain" (which is really just aching, still muscles) is in perspective. It's been 3 hours since Mass, but I've been doing my best to not complain. Sure, my legs still ache and I'm sure tomorrow morning it will be tempting to skip spin class. But, the witness of these martyrs was the amazing reminder I needed that ultimately, Jesus is who matters. Our suffering (small aches, or heroic martyrdom) can serve a purpose bigger than me. I had decided to offer these workouts for my bible studies... so I guess those girls get a prayer every time I feel this stiffness, and not just during that hour of spin class!

St. Paul Miki and companions, pray for us!