As I finished yesterday's blog, I mentioned that my story of sainthood is still being written. That's what I want to share today because it was another huge grace of my time in Dallas last week. I'm a checklist kinda girl... make a list, complete an item, check it off. Loose ends and no plan... that just doesn't have a place in my life.
I realized last week though, that I can't treat my story of sainthood that way. My life is still in progress... and my work of holiness will not be complete until I die. I may have a testimony, but it's one without an ending just yet. Unlike other things though, I am realizing that it is a good thing my story is still being written... because I'm still working on being the virtuous saint that God made me to be.
I think before last week, I treated my relationship with Jesus like it was complete, perfect, needing no change. The truth is, even though Jesus had won me back through my prayer life junior year at NDSU, He is still winning my heart. Every day, He wants to be there. He isn't a person we interact with just once and have our life changed and go on our way. Meeting Jesus is like meeting your spouse... once they are in your life, they are there forever, every single day.
Understanding this a little better has given me a strange peace that I usually don't have when a big task is "in progress." I think it is because it helps me to just learn to live in the moment and to constantly ask "how is Jesus forming me into a saint today?" Little daily steps like that make becoming holy seem a bit more attainable. Plus, if my story isn't over, than I can accept my failures and appreciate going to Confession so much more. I don't have to settle with where I am at now, I can keep learning and growing, moving ever closer to my goal of eternal life with God. Maybe a checklist isn't always the best way to live life!
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sometimes it's good to Retreat
Two months since my last post.... and finally time to share some thoughts. The truth is, with how busy Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas were, I just did not have time to even come up with a blog post... let alone write one. But over the past week, several ideas have come to me... which I'm planning to share, one at a time, during this last week of my Christmas break. And so, the first blog of 2014!
The end of the semester was busy. So was my entire fall. So was summer... so is life I guess. Until last week, I was living life at a sprinting pace, but I didn't know it. Sure, I'd take some occasional breaks to spend time with family or Devin, I (most days) spent an hour in the chapel and went to Mass. Yet despite these "breaks", I was sprinting through life without any knowledge of it. I noticed how fast the year was going, but just figured that's what it's like when you get to be 24. Then Jesus spoke.
Last week, I was blessed to attend FOCUS' Student Leadership Summit in Dallas, TX. We had a great group of 17 UMD students join us and it was fun to spend time with them. On the 3rd night (Sunday Jan 5) we had some time of Adoration. I entered the ballroom and knelt down with my campus group. The lighting of Jesus in the Monstrance was incredible. You could see the lights stream through the air to the stage. Then the band started to lead us in song. I sang along, thinking of how beautiful it all was. And then the words "I'll run til I finish the race." I lost it. Tears went down my cheeks and I couldn't sing. I just stared right at Jesus and heard Him say, "Kristen... I love you."
That's all I needed to hear... He loves me. In the midst of leading bible study, holding discipleship, directing my team, planning events, writing newsletters, Christmas shopping, playing with my sisters, and going on incredible dates with Devin... I had lost sight of my first love. My prayer life had become another scheduled task to check off on my calendar, rather than time to be refreshed and loved by Jesus. I was so caught up in my exterior work for Him, that I had neglected to care for my own soul.
I really love the idea of being a soldier for Christ. When Curtis Martin was getting ready to start FOCUS, he shared his plan with Blessed Pope John Paul II. The Pope's reply was "Be soldiers." But we who are soldiers, fighting for the Kingdom of the King, must not forget that sometimes it is good to retreat. I don't mean to retreat and give up the fight, but to retreat into the depths of our heart and make sure that the external affairs of life aren't snuffing out the flame of love that Jesus has lit within us.
Just last week, I began to read The Soul of the Apostolate. I read this book back in my junior year of college, but it is incredible how the words of the author speak right to my life now too. He emphasizes that the heart of all we do must be our interior relationship with God. We must continuously be converted and draw close to Christ if we want to share Him with others. We must be so filled with God's love that it spills out to others, while still filling us.
This last week of break includes a wonderful example of my to do lists. But with that also comes a renewed dedication to pray and read, to truly be refreshed. I can't give what I do not have. I cannot help others meet Jesus if I stop meeting with Him everyday, not just showing up in the Chapel, but truly being present there. Accepting that Jesus still has much to teach me and that I can do nothing without Him. My story is still being written... but more on that tomorrow.
The end of the semester was busy. So was my entire fall. So was summer... so is life I guess. Until last week, I was living life at a sprinting pace, but I didn't know it. Sure, I'd take some occasional breaks to spend time with family or Devin, I (most days) spent an hour in the chapel and went to Mass. Yet despite these "breaks", I was sprinting through life without any knowledge of it. I noticed how fast the year was going, but just figured that's what it's like when you get to be 24. Then Jesus spoke.
Last week, I was blessed to attend FOCUS' Student Leadership Summit in Dallas, TX. We had a great group of 17 UMD students join us and it was fun to spend time with them. On the 3rd night (Sunday Jan 5) we had some time of Adoration. I entered the ballroom and knelt down with my campus group. The lighting of Jesus in the Monstrance was incredible. You could see the lights stream through the air to the stage. Then the band started to lead us in song. I sang along, thinking of how beautiful it all was. And then the words "I'll run til I finish the race." I lost it. Tears went down my cheeks and I couldn't sing. I just stared right at Jesus and heard Him say, "Kristen... I love you."
That's all I needed to hear... He loves me. In the midst of leading bible study, holding discipleship, directing my team, planning events, writing newsletters, Christmas shopping, playing with my sisters, and going on incredible dates with Devin... I had lost sight of my first love. My prayer life had become another scheduled task to check off on my calendar, rather than time to be refreshed and loved by Jesus. I was so caught up in my exterior work for Him, that I had neglected to care for my own soul.
I really love the idea of being a soldier for Christ. When Curtis Martin was getting ready to start FOCUS, he shared his plan with Blessed Pope John Paul II. The Pope's reply was "Be soldiers." But we who are soldiers, fighting for the Kingdom of the King, must not forget that sometimes it is good to retreat. I don't mean to retreat and give up the fight, but to retreat into the depths of our heart and make sure that the external affairs of life aren't snuffing out the flame of love that Jesus has lit within us.
Just last week, I began to read The Soul of the Apostolate. I read this book back in my junior year of college, but it is incredible how the words of the author speak right to my life now too. He emphasizes that the heart of all we do must be our interior relationship with God. We must continuously be converted and draw close to Christ if we want to share Him with others. We must be so filled with God's love that it spills out to others, while still filling us.
This last week of break includes a wonderful example of my to do lists. But with that also comes a renewed dedication to pray and read, to truly be refreshed. I can't give what I do not have. I cannot help others meet Jesus if I stop meeting with Him everyday, not just showing up in the Chapel, but truly being present there. Accepting that Jesus still has much to teach me and that I can do nothing without Him. My story is still being written... but more on that tomorrow.
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