Throughout the weekend, I got to meet some amazing potential missionaries, spend time with FOCUS friends, and learn more about myself. It was a busy, packed weekend and staying up late catching up with friends didn't help how tired I felt. I got back to Duluth yesterday afternoon utterly exhausted and somewhat emotionally numb. All I wanted was to just lay down and somehow feel awake and alive again. Once I recognized that, I knew what I had to do... go to Jesus.
I am so thankful for the Perpetual Adoration chapel here in Duluth. It is my place to go when I just need to be in the presence of my King. So about 6pm last night, I enter, kneel down, and just tell Jesus that He can have as much time as He needs to show me why I feel run down and sad. I spent until 7:30 there with Him, and the only thing I knew when I left was that He loves me and that I really just needed a good night of sleep.
I got that solid sleep, and woke up to go to Mass this morning at 8am, even though technically we had the day off. I was feeling much better and wasn't expecting any major grace from Mass and prayer. Well, God loves to surprise me. As I finished praying, it just hit me. My life is different now. Jesus has truly changed everything. He has won my heart.
As I got in my car to go to Caribou for some coffee, I realized that this was a huge grace from the weekend. God wanted to show me how different my life is compared to when I didn't know Him. Sure, I've always been a "practicing Catholic" and I've always believed in God, but it didn't impact my entire life. In high school, despite the love of my family, I would be miserable, feeling very alone, and striving to prove my worth through perfect grades and a reputation as a leader. I thought if I just got good grades and kept busy, I'd somehow earn the love my heart longed for. What I didn't know was that I desired something greater than what I was filling my life with.
College started with that same mentality of needing to prove myself. My faith was on the radar only as something to do because everyone expected me to keep being a "good Catholic girl" and I didn't want to lose that reputation. Jesus had other plans. My desire for friends led me to a FOCUS bible study, and my life would never again be the same. Through the love of the other women, through reading God's Word and actually seeing how it mattered, through a new habit of daily mass, and most importantly through prayer, I met Jesus.
Freshman year, I started to really pray. Not just a list of intentions like when I was little, but actually entering into conversation with Jesus. When my junior year started, God very clearly asked for an hour each day. I gave it to Him.... and He won me over. Before, I had never noticed that God was pursuing me, that He loved me enough to keep chasing after me even though I acted as though He didn't exist. I was so busy trying to prove I was worth loving, that I failed to understand that the love I desired couldn't be earned. It was already mine if I would just accept it. Accept that I can't do anything on my own, and that I am in desperate need of a Savior. I am God's daughter, and therefore, I'm worth it.
My life is still not perfect. But, my life is now a joyful pursuit of a true purpose. Not to be a straight-A student or get recognized for being a good person or anything else. I am pursuing Heaven, pursuing sainthood. I am by no means done getting to know Jesus, and I still struggle at times to let Him love me and really be my best friend. But I know that is the goal and I'm ok with admitting that I need His help and the love of family and friends to remember that.
When I let Jesus in, He changed everything. He won me over and now has called me to this incredible opportunity to share His love in a very tangible way. This weekend, I was asked by several applicants if I love my job. The answer? YES! I have the best job ever. Because I get to help college students meet Jesus Christ through His Church, through the Sacraments, Scripture, good friendships, and prayer. I just hope and pray that my life might bear witness to them of the joy He longs to give if they are willing to let Him love them.
One last thing: my favorite artist, Audrey Assad, has a great song about this idea. I was blasting it in my car this morning on my drive to Caribou. It's also where I got the title for this post. Click here to listen and just know that Jesus is pursuing your heart too.
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