Have Your Way, My King

The song "Help me Find it" (Sidewalk Prophets) has been a theme of mine this year. The line that always gets to me is in the bridge: "Have your way, my King." That's the openness of heart and life I'm trying to have. "Have your way Jesus, You are my King, and this is all for You." It is incredible what a difference it makes. I just take that line to prayer constantly... and try to make it more and more sincere every time I say it. I want to just let my life be completely abandoned to whatever Jesus wants for me. Whatever He wants to do through me and my time as a missionary.

Last week, I got to attend the regional Team Director Summit in Chicago. It was a huge blessing to spend time with other leaders within FOCUS and share our successes and struggles on campus this fall. One TD shared how she and her team spend a few moments giving each day to God, praying through their schedule for that day together. Since returning to Duluth, I've been trying to do that. Each morning, before I even leave my apartment, I just go through my schedule, praying about each appointment, task, etc. And it has completely changed my life.

My conversations have been completely transformed. Bible study and discipleship, as well as conversations with teammates and students.... they are all bearing more fruit. And not because of anything I'm doing, but because I'm finally willing to step aside and let Jesus be in control. Sure, there are still some times I am a bit nervous about truly challenging someone and miss the opportunity, but when I let Him do all the work, wow.

For example, some of the women I meet with for discipleship are just amazing me. Their vulnerability and openness to be challenged to share their faith is truly remarkable. And I'm able to see that when Jesus is steering the conversation. I also find myself being more productive, getting things accomplished in record time... hence the time to write this post.

I'm not perfect at this whole abandonment thing just yet, but the more I let myself belong to my King, the more I realize just how much God loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't have to feel overwhelmed by the many responsibilities, relationships, and roles in my life.... I can embrace them as the specific mission He has chosen for me. All in the bigger mission of His... the salvation of the entire world. And as one of our regional leaders, Dan, said last week: It is a privilege, not a burden, to be part of this greatest mission.

I hope each one of my blog readers can take that line of "have your way my King" to prayer and just see what happens.... to truly let go of our control over our lives, schedule, future.... and sincerely seek God's will alone, the role in His mission He wants us each to have.

My (Hopeful) Future Feast Day

Today's Caribou Coffee trivia question was awesome. Especially for all us Catholics. The question: What is the day after Halloween called? The answer: All Saints Day. Just another reminder of the amazing solemnity we celebrate today. And I was blessed to go to Mass twice to celebrate!

I've thought a lot about becoming a saint throughout the past few years. Ever since my relationship with Jesus really took off my junior year at NDSU, sainthood has been my goal. And I've always loved the way Fr. Mike (our UMD chaplain) blesses those who cannot receive Communion: "May God bless you and make you a saint". But last night, those words took on a whole new meaning. I attended Mass with some girls from my bible study and as Fr. Mike blessed the one in front of me in the Communion line, I got chills. As I stepped up and said "Amen" to receive Jesus, something in me changed. I realized in a profound way that I receive Jesus in the Eucharist because.... I want to be a saint. I want to be like Him. 

A real simple definition of sainthood might be helpful. Today, Fr. Mike explained it as "saying yes to God in each moment". I like that, it makes my goal of sainthood pretty simple. Just say yes to God - including when He invites me to write a blog post!

There are a couple big ways that I have noticed God is making me a saint. And honestly, I don't remember if I have blogged about them before, so my apologies if this is repeated. But perspective can always change... so here we go. 

The first way God is currently forming me into a saint is through my call to be a FOCUS missionary and, this year, team director. I truly get to build virtue everyday. Growing in my courage to share the Gospel, talking daily about my relationship with Jesus and how I live it in His Church, and being surrounded by others who encourage me in living a moral life... what an amazing job. It is definitely a gift. My Dove chocolate wrapper tonight read "love what you do" and I definitely do. My job is incredible, beautifully challenging, and uniquely rewarding. Regardless of how long I stay on staff, my time with FOCUS will forever have had an impact on the saint I'm striving to become. 

Catie - a student from last year, now a FOCUS mish!

The second way God is increasing my ability to be a saint is through my relationship with Devin. I never thought I would meet such an amazing, virtuous man. Devin treats me with so much respect and love, and truly puts my relationship with Jesus first. I love that our weekend visits include shared prayer time and that most of our conversations via Skype or FaceTime end with a prayer. Being in a relationship with such an awesome guy definitely reveals God's love for me even more. Devin loves me like Jesus does. He truly is helping me learn how to receive love and embrace being a beloved daughter of God. Long distance relationships are tough, but I'm realizing how to love... not just when it feels good, but even when it is tough. I'm also learning what a beautiful thing it is to discern marriage through dating... and let all that I have read about Theology of the Body and Love and Responsibility be a lived reality. Devin and I want eachother to be saints, and I'm so thankful to have such a great man to walk this path of sainthood with. 

Devin and I at Halloween party last weekend

At the All Saints Day mass I attended today, Fr. Mike really put today's feast in perspective. The title of this post is "My (Hopeful) Future Feast Day" because of that perspective. Today is the day that the Catholic Church celebrates all those who have lived lives worthy of eternal happiness in Heaven. Since that is what I hope to attain, then really I'm trying to live a life that someday leads me to have this as my feast day. The day when the whole Church will celebrate the way God's grace saved me from sin and death, and gave me this beautiful life of love. What a beautiful perspective to end the week! 

Being Intentional

I like to set goals. I love having a to-do list to check off. I like having a schedule and doing my best to stick to it. But this year there has been just so much that sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place without going anywhere. Not for long though... I'm getting intentional. 

A few different events have sparked this awareness of my need to be more intentional. First, I renewed my Consecration to Mary last weekend (little did I know that Pope Francis consecrated the whole world to Mary's Immaculate Heart on the same day I re-committed myself to her guidance). After once again entrusting my life into Mary's hands on October 13, something changed. I've done the consecration before... but never been so committed and intentional about it. This time was different, and I noticed! My rosary the next week was amazing... I truly felt like I was walking with Mary during the different moments of Jesus' life (which was helped by the fact that I went for a run as I prayed, so I was literally moving). The difference was that I was intentional and I wanted to be changed. 

Next, this past weekend. I helped interview potential missionaries for FOCUS. It was a great opportunity to be reminded of my own discernment of FOCUS and hearing God's call. Yesterday, Paul (one of our regional leaders) shared how evangelization is a command..... how intentional have I been in sharing? We profess at Mass that God saves... am I intentional in my conversations and time on-campus and off about trying to share God's love with others?

As my teammate Joe and I brought the gifts up at Mass last night, we had contact cards for students at mass who were interested in bible study in the collection basket. As Joe handed it to Fr. Mike, I felt a rush of grace. We were truly giving the students to God at His altar. Wow. As we sang the song "mighty to save" I realized... I have given my life for what I believe... Jesus and His Church. 

Fr. Mike mentioned in his homily that we should come to Mass and prayer with a desire to leave changed for the better by God. This is going to be my new mentality. So this morning, I woke up. I reviewed my goals and campus plan. I asked Mary to help me. And I set more serious goals for the week than I have yet this year. 

It's time to be a little more intentional. To wake up each morning and intentionally live my life for Christ and the mission He has invited me to. I love talking about Jesus, but I want to intentionally invite others to love Him more. To be bold in my invitation and to pour out my life for the souls on this campus and in my life. And week 8 seems like a great time to start doing this. 

Sorry for the short post... but mass starts in 15 minutes and I have to pack up and leave my cozy spot at Caribou. I hope to share more later this week! 

God is Big

God is doing big things. Well, He always is.... but now that we are a little ways into the school year, it's crystal clear to me. God is doing big things, on-campus and also in my heart. Some days, I get really caught up in the tasks, meetings, and responsibilities of my day. And then I sit back, and I look at my life, my mission, and I just am in awe.

What big things is God doing you might ask. Well, let's start with campus. Here at UMD, we have 35 bible studies on-campus. 35 Catholic bible studies. And they aren't just led by myself and my teammates, 26 of them are led by students, amazing student missionaries who have such a heart for Jesus and His Church that they're willing to invest some of their precious time and energy into spreading His love to their peers. And these aren't just small groups either. My own bible studies have grown so much: my athlete's study doubling in size to 8 and my other group growing to a dozen. As I sat down with each of the student missionaries in my discipleship chain at the start of the semester, they so impressed me. 10 women. That's the common goal for pretty much each of these 5 leaders. That would by 70 women in bible study just in my "chain of command" alone. God is doing big things. He's taking this campus over by planting a desire to encounter Him and share Him in many students' hearts.

my bible study last Thursday

As if blessing my mission at UMD wasn't enough, God is doing big things in my life. Each day, He asks me to let Him love me in new and incredible ways, through my team, family, friends, and boyfriend. He calls me to love others for Him, to just pour myself out in ways I never thought possible. Sometimes it feels like so much, but then He blesses me with a great conversation, a needed cup of coffee, a gorgeous fall day, whatever. He always knows just what I need and can time it so perfectly that I can keep letting His light shine through me. I am learning that the more I let God love me and fill me, the larger my capacity for loving Him and others becomes. My heart literally expands. 

I have wanted to be a saint all my life, wanting to get to Heaven. I always kind of thought I knew what that might look like. What I never thought about until now was how big God's plan for my holiness really is. For example, He doesn't just want me to be a saint. He really desires for me to be a saint. So every time I start to get even the slightest bit content with where my life and virtue is at, He instantly shakes me out of it and begins to give me new opportunities to grow. Not because He doesn't want me to be happy, but because He desperately wants me to experience the deep joy that comes from pursuing the path of holiness He has laid out uniquely for me!

Back when I was a student missionary, one of our missionaries at NDSU used to ask us: "How big is your God?" What Amanda meant was, when you pray, do you pray with confidence in an all-powerful God, or do you shrink your request because you don't actually expect much in answer to your prayer? Well, I'm seeing this year that I need to start praying even bigger. Because God is big... bigger and more powerful than I ever really grasped (and probably still don't). So as we continue reaching out, building up bible studies, investing in students, planning for our first ever bulldogCatholic week, preparing for retreats and conferences, I'm going to start encouraging my team and student missionaries to really pray big. And not just for these different aspects of our mission on-campus, but in our personal paths of holiness too. To pray that God would make us bigger saints than we might even dare to dream of being.

Happy feast of St. Therese of Liseux, patroness of missionaries!

Becoming a Diamond

One thing I really love is when books I'm reading just hit on exactly what I need to hear at that moment. I love that God controls what I read and when I read it so that He can speak to my heart in the way that I need. I recently was reading "The Furrow" by St. Josemaria Escriva, and he has this beautiful paragraph about suffering. He explains that when we are given challenges or suffering it is because God desires to form us into something beautiful. He wouldn't put all that effort into an ordinary pebble, it's the diamond that has time and effort invested in to make it truly beautiful. Pressure is placed on the diamond so that it might become the precious gem it is meant to be.

Well, I am convinced that over the past month God has been more actively forming me into a diamond, into the precious daughter He made me to be. And what's amazing is that as He strengthens and forms me, He is taking care of all those other areas of my life that I don't have the energy to take care of. Let me explain with a few examples...

On August 19, I moved back to Duluth, excited to begin a year with my wonderful team and students. Yet, there also was a looming stress on my heart.... my Grandpa Ben was nearing the end of his life here on earth. It was hard to be leaving home at a time when I knew my family needed me, and I needed them. As I packed for our camping trip with our student missionaries on Friday the 23rd, the news came... Grandpa entered Heaven that afternoon. I attended the first 24 hours of the camping trip, and then got in my car once again, heading west to be home.

me, Grandpa, and Emily in 1991

As hard as it was to say goodbye and to see my mom, grandma, and family mourn, the funeral was so grace-filled. My grandparents are saints. Grandma has spent the past five years lovingly by Grandpa's side as he slowly grew more detached from this world through the onset of Alzheimer's. I cannot tell you how many hours she spent praying for him, and the rest of their family. The faithful example of marriage they have shown is incredible, one I know has helped shape my parents' own marriage to be something I strive to imitate one day. As I drove back to Duluth after the funeral, I was determined. I will be a Saint; I will work my hardest to be a saint like them.

As I transitioned into our initial outreach and as the freshmen moved onto campus, I began to realize what a responsibility it is to be a team director. I am honored to serve my team, but wow does it require a lot of extra work. My to do list seemed to be constantly increasing rather than decreasing for the first two weeks of classes, despite long days of trying to get much of it accomplished. There were moments I wanted to just throw my hands up and walk away, convinced I had no clue what I was doing, that I couldn't do it, and that it just took much. And even though I have an incredible boyfriend, the reality of how hard the distance is hit me even more when I was stressed out and Devin was over 4 hours away. I remember a few times even going to prayer and repeating Mother Teresa's words at the end of her life, "Jesus, this is too much."

However, Jesus knew it wasn't too much. When I had no clue what I was doing, He did. He knew exactly what He was about. And despite the hours He asked me to spend ordering bible studies, preparing team meetings, chalking and knocking, helping student missionaries, and preparing for our missions promotion, He blessed my first two weeks on-campus more than I ever could imagine. Some of those blessings include:
-seeing 2 girls I met last year at the Activities Fair and being able to invite them to my bible study
-meeting more girls on the volleyball and basketball teams, who are coming to bible study!
-being welcomed into the lives of some ladies on the track team, who might start coming to my athletes' study
-watching the women I have in my discipleship chain reach out lovingly to many new students and set goals to have 10 girls in each of their bible studies before Christmas.
-having our events attended by many new students, who desire to make Newman a part of their time at UMD
-having my team support me and having some great team meetings, really striving to change campus for the better this year
-having Devin come visit for a weekend and spend time enjoying Duluth's natural beauty a bit.

I'm sure there are many other blessings, some I'm forgetting and some I can't see right now. But, back to the point of this post, God is asking much of me, because He wants me to be a saint. Being a saint, being a soldier for Him, doesn't just happen. It takes struggle, and saying "yes" to His will even when it seems too big or too hard. It means getting out of bed even when I'm tired, packing my schedule full from 8am-8pm for days on end to spend time with students and getting work done, and it means looking outside of myself to care for my team and disciples as best I can, trusting God to love them through me. Because at the end of the day, the only way I shine as a diamond is if it is Jesus shining through me.

with some ladies in my discipleship chain at the
Activities Fair last week

with students and teammates playing paintbal

out on the Park Point beach with Devin

Prayer and God's Perfect Timing

I've been meaning to write about fall outreach for almost a week now, and I probably will spend some of my time this weekend doing that. But I just couldn't pass up the beautiful opportunity to share how God has answered prayers. First, the back story.

Last spring, we made an effort to be more intentional about sitting with new people at Sunday Mass on-campus. So, one day, probably in mid-April, I sat by a student I had never met. We chatted a little before Mass, but I didn't have a chance to get her number to follow up. Nevertheless, I put her name on a list of students I had met to continue to pray for her. I saw her another time at the coffee shop on campus last spring, but again didn't get any contact information.

Well, throughout the summer, this girl's name was on my list of students to pray for and so I did. I never was super intentional about it, just occasionally asking that God would place her in my path this year if it should be His will. Little did I know how perfectly He can time things.

Last night, I planned to play some ultimate frisbee after Mass as a way to spend time with two girls I met last week. However, they texted me last minute saying that they wouldn't be coming. So, I decided to walk back to the Newman house and go home to prepare for tonight's first athletes' study. As I approached the house, there was this girl from Mass the previous semester! She was standing in the road looking lost. I said hi and was happy to see that she recognized me. It turns out she had been looking for the local temple to go to a speaker, but couldn't find it.

I invited her to tomorrow's Mass and Meal at Newman and she was shocked when I asked for her number. "I never get invited to things" she replied, while also eagerly entering my number into her phone. My heart instantly was moved for this daughter of God. I showed her around our small Newman house, including inviting her to stop by anytime to hang out or spend time praying in the Chapel. I'm hoping and praying that she is able to come tomorrow so that I can introduce her to some more Newman ladies and help her find a community of Catholics to support her in her faith.

As I drove home last night, I just was in awe of how God answered my summer prayers for this young lady. He had to time her search of that event just right with my leaving the field. He had to prevent those other girls from coming so that I would decide not to play. Had He not, I wouldn't have had a way to invite her into the Newman community.

Lesson? Never doubt God's desire to answer our prayers and His power over our timing of encounters with others. His plan is very well thought out.

Guyana Highlights

Post #2 about Guyana.... and only about a week after the first! I wanted to share some specific memories from the trip and highlights.

First, a brief explanation of what we did. Our main goal was to assist with the parish mission of St. Francis Xavier R.C. (Roman Catholic) Church in Charity Guyana. The theme of the mission was "Save your Soul" which I thought was refreshingly bold, because that's actually what we want people to do, but so often we sugarcoat how we say it. Our daily schedule looked a little something like this:
6:30am - Holy Hour
7:30am - Mass
8:30am - Breakfast
9:30am - head out for house visits (go door to door inviting people to the mission)
12pm - Lunch
1pm - Siesta!
2pm - Kids' Activities, Youth Activities, Catechesis, Home Visits
4:30pm - Rosary Walk through the streets
5pm - Main Talk and Kids' Activities
6pm - Fun Event (campfire, pinata, skit, movie)
8pm - Evening Prayer
8:30pm - Supper
9pm - Testimonies, Daily Recap
10:30pm - head to bed

So, now that you have a little of our structure, here are some of my highlights from my time in Guyana:

Turning 24. On our 3rd full day in Charity, I celebrated my 24th birthday! The rest of our group, including some joyful Servidoras and IVE's, sang to me twice, breakfast and supper, and even made me a delicious birthday cake (see picture). While it was a little tough to celebrate this day away from my family, my 24th will be a birthday I will always remember. Word spread because I received more birthday hugs that day than I can remember and even some thoughtful gifts. Perhaps the best was that Fr. Brian offered Mass for me that morning and God gave me the amazing grace of understanding what a gift my life is!

Guyanese tradition of sharing my cake!

House Visits with Rachael. Rachael is a 8-year-old we met at the parish. Her mom helped with cooking and laundry, so Rachael and her 3 siblings spent time with all the missionaries. One day, Rachael came with my group to do house visits. Our first stop was at an elderly man's home. He needed Anointing of the Sick, so we prayed with him and Fr. Brian gave him the sacrament. His 3-year-old granddaughter (Ann Marie) was there and Rachael and I spent some time talking with her. Rachael shared some sweeties (candy) and a Divine Mercy card with a picture of Jesus on it. Later that night, Rachael approached me at the campfire and asked about the little girl we had met! It was so great that she was thinking about her still and I told her to pray for her. Rachael and some of the other kids and youth who came with us on house visits were amazing and it was incredible to begin equipping them at such a young age to share their faith!

Rachael and I on our house visit day

Pinata Nights. We had 2 pinatas while we were there and the 2nd was definitely memorable. All the kids were so excited to fill up on the sweeties. Earlier in the day, Steve and Jeff (2 fellow FOCUS missionaries) had made the pinata and filled it with 7 pounds of candy. While the pinata was being hit, they each brought another bag of candy... to toss out as the kids scrambled for falling sweeties. In fact, as the pinata broke, Fr. Hugo (the priest in Charity) was knocked to the ground by all the kids! That night we distributed 21 pounds of candy.... I hope the parents didn't mind the overly-sugared kids who came home that night. 

Jeff and Steve with their pinata

Fr. Hugo on the ground

Praying in Homes. On several of the house visits, we asked to pray with people. Several times we prayed a decade of the rosary with people who weren't even Catholic! On another day, I was the leader of my group. I tried on every visit to ask if we could pray with them and everyone I asked said yes! It was a simple prayer, but twice the people we visited were praying aloud with me. Some were even Hindu or non-Catholic. I realized that this may have been one of the few or only times when Jesus' name was said in their homes. What a beautiful opportunity to bring His presence right to where the people live! 

our FOCUS Missionary Team

There were many other great experiences throughout our mission trip, and maybe at a later date I'll share some of those. But for now, this about wraps up my Guyana blogging. We just started fall outreach today with the freshmen moving in, so I can't wait to share some graces and stories from fall outreach soon! Thanks for taking the time to read and have a blessed end to the month of August. 

the ladies of our group