Won me Over

This past weekend I had the opportunity to help staff a FOCUS Interview Weekend. These weekends are great times of discernment, and my own IW last year was super helpful in realizing how God had been preparing me to answer His call to be a missionary with FOCUS. I was excited to help on the opposite side of the process in St. Paul, yet curious to see what the weekend would hold. 

Throughout the weekend, I got to meet some amazing potential missionaries, spend time with FOCUS friends, and learn more about myself. It was a busy, packed weekend and staying up late catching up with friends didn't help how tired I felt. I got back to Duluth yesterday afternoon utterly exhausted and somewhat emotionally numb. All I wanted was to just lay down and somehow feel awake and alive again. Once I recognized that, I knew what I had to do... go to Jesus. 

I am so thankful for the Perpetual Adoration chapel here in Duluth. It is my place to go when I just need to be in the presence of my King. So about 6pm last night, I enter, kneel down, and just tell Jesus that He can have as much time as He needs to show me why I feel run down and sad. I spent until 7:30 there with Him, and the only thing I knew when I left was that He loves me and that I really just needed a good night of sleep. 

I got that solid sleep, and woke up to go to Mass this morning at 8am, even though technically we had the day off. I was feeling much better and wasn't expecting any major grace from Mass and prayer. Well, God loves to surprise me. As I finished praying, it just hit me. My life is different now. Jesus has truly changed everything. He has won my heart. 

As I got in my car to go to Caribou for some coffee, I realized that this was a huge grace from the weekend. God wanted to show me how different my life is compared to when I didn't know Him. Sure, I've always been a "practicing Catholic" and I've always believed in God, but it didn't impact my entire life. In high school, despite the love of my family, I would be miserable, feeling very alone, and striving to prove my worth through perfect grades and a reputation as a leader. I thought if I just got good grades and kept busy, I'd somehow earn the love my heart longed for. What I didn't know was that I desired something greater than what I was filling my life with. 

College started with that same mentality of needing to prove myself. My faith was on the radar only as something to do because everyone expected me to keep being a "good Catholic girl" and I didn't want to lose that reputation. Jesus had other plans. My desire for friends led me to a FOCUS bible study, and my life would never again be the same. Through the love of the other women, through reading God's Word and actually seeing how it mattered, through a new habit of daily mass, and most importantly through prayer, I met Jesus. 

Freshman year, I started to really pray. Not just a list of intentions like when I was little, but actually entering into conversation with Jesus. When my junior year started, God very clearly asked for an hour each day. I gave it to Him.... and He won me over. Before, I had never noticed that God was pursuing me, that He loved me enough to keep chasing after me even though I acted as though He didn't exist. I was so busy trying to prove I was worth loving, that I failed to understand that the love I desired couldn't be earned. It was already mine if I would just accept it. Accept that I can't do anything on my own, and that I am in desperate need of a Savior. I am God's daughter, and therefore, I'm worth it. 

My life is still not perfect. But, my life is now a joyful pursuit of a true purpose. Not to be a straight-A student or get recognized for being a good person or anything else. I am pursuing Heaven, pursuing sainthood. I am by no means done getting to know Jesus, and I still struggle at times to let Him love me and really be my best friend. But I know that is the goal and I'm ok with admitting that I need His help and the love of family and friends to remember that. 

When I let Jesus in, He changed everything. He won me over and now has called me to this incredible opportunity to share His love in a very tangible way. This weekend, I was asked by several applicants if I love my job. The answer? YES! I have the best job ever. Because I get to help college students meet Jesus Christ through His Church, through the Sacraments, Scripture, good friendships, and prayer. I just hope and pray that my life might bear witness to them of the joy He longs to give if they are willing to let Him love them. 

One last thing: my favorite artist, Audrey Assad, has a great song about this idea. I was blasting it in my car this morning on my drive to Caribou. It's also where I got the title for this post. Click here to listen and just know that Jesus is pursuing your heart too. 

Good to be Alive

Yesterday morning was a great morning. Here is a little synopsis of what happened:
5:45am: alarm goes off
6:01am: get in my car (no scraping of the windshield necessary!) and successfully get out of my parking spot surrounded by piles of snow from Sunday's blizzard
     a few minutes into my drive to campus, the song "Good to be Alive" by Jason Gray comes on the radio.
                      Click here to hear it: Good to be Alive on youtube
6:30am: spin class starts. I'm back on the bike after last week's injury, and that song sticks with me!
8am: Holy Hour starts.. a whole hour to just be with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and say thank you
9am: my day continues... on a super positive note.

So why was this schedule such a great start to a Tuesday? Well, for those of you who didn't click the link, there's a few parts of that song that really stuck with mes:

"Hold on, is this really the life I'm living? Cuz I don't feel like I deserve it ... 

I want to live like there's no tomorrow, love like I'm on borrowed time, it's good to be alive...

 all I want is to give you a life well-lived to say thank you..."

Now, I've heard this song before, but this time it stuck in my head. As I pedaled, I realized what a blessing it was to even be able to move my legs... something that a week ago, for those who read my post, was pretty painful due to pushing myself a little too hard at that first class. then I realized how incredible it was to be able to exercise, to breathe, to be alive... As I kept thinking about it, this overwhelming gratitude for my life just filled my heart... Thank you Jesus. The lyrics from the song keep popping into my head, what a blessing my life is, how undeserving I am, and how I desire to live this life well for Jesus.

Fast forward through the cool-down to morning holy hour. Once we finished morning prayer, I sat back and read a few Gospel accounts of men and women who expressed thankfulness when Jesus healed them. I spent a good part of the rest of my time in Adoration just filled with gratitude. For my physical existence, yes,  but also for the fact that I am God's daughter... He has fought for me. I was so caught up in my own drama in high school, but He never stopped looking for me and drawing me to Himself. And now, I have a relationship with Jesus that I never could have dreamed of. On a daily basis, I get to share my love of Him with the students here at UMD. And I am so incredibly blessed.

In that above schedule, I didn't mention our team meeting. However, the theme of thankfulness continued there because Andy led us in prayer by meditating on the creation account and thinking about our own creation. It was so cool because it reaffirmed everything that had been in my heart all morning and even took it a step further. I could see God on the day I was born, huge smile, full of joy...saying: "finally.... now she gets to receive my love. she gets to live this incredible life I have had planned since the beginning of time... she gets to change the world if she just says yes." Words can't even describe that prayer experience!

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Lent is a great time to rid our lives of those things which keep us from Jesus and prepare to celebrate His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. I'm not going to share all my Lenten resolutions here, but I have decided that some of them are going to focus on keeping this spirit of thankfulness alive. So, I am giving up complaining. And adding in some time at the end of each day to thank God for that day. For those of you who see me throughout Lent, if I am complaining, here is permission to (lovingly) point that out! I know I'm not perfect.. and that resolution will be a work in progress.

Jason Gray's song is just an incredible reflection on what a blessing our lives are, how beautiful they become through being lived, and how fitting it is to thank God by living life well for Him. Have a great Lent everyone!

"Pain" in Perspective

I woke up this morning and knew instantly: today will be rough. As I got out of bed, my legs just ached. I had gone to bed feeling a little sore, but woke up stiff. Muscles hurt that I didn't even know existed... what did I do to myself?

Well, a few weeks ago I agreed to go to 6:30am spin class with Tessa, a wonderful student here at UMD, 2 mornings a week. Last week, the class was full, so yesterday was my first day. It was a shocking reality check about how out of shape I am, but also a reminder of my 4 years biking in the NDSU vs. UND Newman bike race. I figured a one hour class wouldn't be too terrible compared to those 40 mile races in the North Dakota wind... false.

bison courts bike race crew 2011

So this morning, here I am just aching every time I move, convinced that if my muscles could talk, they would be screaming. All morning, it was somewhat consuming my thoughts... and I was complaining about it to almost anyone who inquired as to how I was doing. Wimp? yes.

However, today happens to be the day when the Church remembers St. Paul Miki and his companions, men who were martyred for the faith in Japan in 1597. At noon Mass at Newman, Fr. Mike gives this awesome homily about a quote from St. Paul Miki:

"The only reason for my being killed is that I have taught the doctrine of Christ. I thank God it is for this reason that I die...After Christ's example, I forgive my persecutors. I do not hate them. I ask God to have pity on all, and I hope my blood will fall on my fellow men as fruitful rain." 

Fr. Mike shared how sometimes we want our way so badly that we can't recognize a bigger purpose. We get focused on ourselves and stop there. As he spoke, I just knew that this was God's way of telling me that I really don't have it that bad. For one, this initial pain of getting in shape will get better. It's not like I can't move at all. And, it is a wonderful opportunity to embrace my mom's "offer it up" motto.

Now that I have been given this needed reality check, my "pain" (which is really just aching, still muscles) is in perspective. It's been 3 hours since Mass, but I've been doing my best to not complain. Sure, my legs still ache and I'm sure tomorrow morning it will be tempting to skip spin class. But, the witness of these martyrs was the amazing reminder I needed that ultimately, Jesus is who matters. Our suffering (small aches, or heroic martyrdom) can serve a purpose bigger than me. I had decided to offer these workouts for my bible studies... so I guess those girls get a prayer every time I feel this stiffness, and not just during that hour of spin class!

St. Paul Miki and companions, pray for us!

Being Single.... is not an illness

Alright, well I just had a super good impromptu chat with the wonderful Katie and just have some thoughts I need to share. It's kind of an appropriate topic with Valentine's day coming up, as well as nearing the end of my dating fast. Our society often treats being single like it is some sort of illness. Once you hit college, if you don't find that boyfriend... well, something must be wrong with you! That is just so not true.

I have been single for almost four years now and will definitely admit that at times it has been hard and the question of "is there something wrong with me?" has crossed my mind. Not to mention that every time I sign into Facebook, my news feed is full of engagement rings and ultrasound photos from all my friends (I'm super excited for you all..... please don't think otherwise). As a first year missionary, I'm asked to be on a dating fast for this first year on FOCUS staff. Oh boy.

So Katie and I are sitting here on campus, just chatting about life and relationships come up. She tells me that she is just finishing a 3-month dating fast... wow. I'm seriously impressed because as a sophomore in college that would not have been something I would have chosen for myself. But it was so great to share graces from each of our fasts. Both of us have been able to recognize the beauty of truly surrendering that desire for marriage to God, and letting Him have it. For me, it also is helping me learn to be fully dependent on Jesus, after all, only He gives the love that truly satisfies my heart.

One of the best things that Katie said was that she know's she is worth waiting for. And that is something I have realized too: I'm worth it. Worth waiting for, worth being pursued, worth being fought for. And I also know that my future spouse is worth it. Worth waiting for, worth letting him pursue me, worth letting him fight for me. And also worth the ache that sometimes accompanies not having my Vocation just yet.

As women, we sometimes settle because we don't want to be alone or don't know if we'll find someone who "meets our standards" or because we get impatient. But the purpose of dating is to discern if that person is your future spouse, not just to have someone to boost your self-esteem or make sure you have plans Friday night. And this time of preparation (and waiting) will make me so much more appreciative of that awesome guy I know God has planned for me.

On a final note, Katie shared something I thought was really awesome. She said sometimes we give things to God just to pick them back up later, rather than just leave them in His hands. I know that even though right now I feel awesome about the dating fast and being single, there might come a time when it is hard. I hope that God is able to give me the grace to just continue to leave it in His hands, trusting that when the time is right, He will give me an amazing relationship I could never even imagine on my own.

Special thanks to Katie for a chat which pretty much made my day!

Back with a Mission

Well, it's been a wonderful week adjusting to life back in Duluth. And it is super great to be back. Being home in Fargo those 2 weeks after SEEK was a bit of a "buzz-kill" for lack of a better expression. Thankfully, Jesus and my wonderful friends on Team NDSU kept my momentum and zeal going. It was a new experience for me to be in Fargo, yet longing to be somewhere else. What a beautiful grace to recognize that I truly belong where God has sent me... here in Duluth as a FOCUS missionary.

So, last Thursday I packed my car and headed east through lakes country. With each small Minnesota town, I got more and more excited. As I finished my Hwy 200 leg of the journey, I saw the "Duluth 60" sign and just smiled. After unpacking and repacking, our team headed south to the Cities for a wonderful weekend together before the semester started. It was a pretty chill weekend just spending time at the cabin we rented, playing games and relaxing, as well as taking in a Six Appeal concert (local acapella group) and Mass at the Basilica and Cathedral!

After a Monday full of getting life back together (Target run, cleaning, and organizing), it was back to campus on Tuesday as school resumed for spring semester. It certainly didn't feel like "spring" though, with sub-zero temperatures that made me thankful for UMD's campus, which is completely connected indoors. My week was quickly filled with planning bible study, meeting up with my 3 wonderful disciples, and following up with students from SEEK... wow God is good. The speakers and sacraments at SEEK led to some big changes in these women's hearts, and a renewed zeal for evangelization on campus, something I share in a new way too.

Perhaps one blessing about being home for a bit after SEEK was the time it gave me to reflect on my first semester as a missionary and ways in which God was calling me to grow more this semester. My prayers and reflections eventually led me to the following vision of what this semester might look like, what the rest of my life might be, and it is my personal mission: to become a saint in such a way that others are inspired and led to become saints too.

How do I do this? By radiating Christ's love. That's why I'm here. Not to lead good bible studies, or be on campus so many hours per day, or meet with 10 women each week. No, I'm here to invite these students to know Jesus Christ and have a relationship with Him. To help them know how to do so in the Church He founded and to share that with others. Basically, I just need to introduce everyone I meet to my best friend. With that perspective, and a clearly defined mission, I know I am ready for a really great semester. And the great part is, when I shared that with Teia, Catie, and Shannon in discipleship, they all seemed really excited to do that too.

In addition to these goals about sharing Jesus this semester, I'm also undertaking a few personal goals to balance my time a little. This week, I'm starting spinning class with Tessa. We will be cycling hard from 6:30-7:30 am 2 mornings a week! I'm also trying to spend more time just living life with my wonderful friends here, which started today with an afternoon holy hour and then Caribou work-time with Teia and Shannon.

Finally, I am determined to use this blog more this semester to share the beautiful gift God has given me of being a missionary with anyone who would like to read. My call to FOCUS is just that, a gift, and I think sharing it a little more will help me keep that in perspective, even when sacrifices might be required. Sometimes I still can't believe that God has called me to be a missionary... thank you Jesus!

SEEK2013. God is good.

disciple Shannon and I

Wow, it has been forever since I have taken the time to sit down and write about life. The end of the semester kept us busy with SEEK preparations, Christmas parties, and team-time. Then it was back to NoDak for a week and a half at home. And it was so good. I was blessed to see both sides of my extended family this Christmas and spend countless hours just hanging out with my sisters at home in Fargo. It was the first time since August that we had all been home. I realized how much I crave that quality time with them, watching movies, shopping, and taking naps. Then, it was back to Duluth... to board a bus for 32 hours down to ..... ORLANDO!

SEEK2013 was the craziest week ever, not just with being busy, but also learning about myself. I'm not sure how to best share all of the blessings of conference, but here goes...




with student Catie and teammate Nicole

SEEK was the first time I had seen some of my fellow FOCUS missionaries since the summer. Many hugs and stories and smiles were exchanged during our week in Orlando. It was also a solid week with my (now former) teammate Nicole, who was my roommate for conference. Nicole and her husband Jonathon have been assigned to University of Florida for this next semester, and I am going to miss these friends dearly. It was so good to spend time each morning getting ready with Nicole during our last week together for a while.




with my cousin Josh and sister Jennifer

Secondly, I was able to spend some time with my little sister, who attended SEEK with the group from UND. Jennifer and I were able to attend a couple of the talks together and before I left, she gave me a huge hug, rather than our usual sister handshake. I loved hearing how much she was learning from all the speakers and getting texts like "Kristen, I just met Dr. Sri. He's awesome!" I'm so glad we got to share conference.







my former roomies!

It was also a great week with some of my NDSU friends who attended conference. It was great to catch up and hear how everything is going for the FOCUS program at NDSU, which was a huge part of my life for 4 years. Some of us even gathered to cheer on the Bison to a second national championship... Once a Bison, Always a Bison.

Finally, by far the best part... being with the students of UMD again. I missed my new friends a lot during my short time at home. It was great to attend mass with them (as well as 6,200 students, 100+ priests, and 350 missionaries), gather together under our UMD flag for the keynotes, and enjoy the Florida sun. On the bus ride home, we opened the mic for testimonies and I was blown away by the depth of what these students shared. Many of them had life changing confessions (some for the first time), were challenged by the speakers, and built lasting friendships with their peers. I am so pumped to get back to campus and follow up with all of them. It is going to be a good semester at UMD.

Oh yeah, I should probably mention, I'm not on campus right now. We don't go back to school for another week. So I've been catching up on sleep after SEEK, spending time at home and NDSU, and setting some goals for this next semester. Break has re-lit that fire within my heart and I am more determined than ever to live out this incredible mission to bring college students into a relationship with my best friend, Jesus Christ.




Kelsey and I

Perhaps the most convicting thing for me over SEEK was the emphasis on the need for dynamic Catholics today. We can't be lukewarm, it's not an option. At the end of our life, we are either in Heaven or hell, there's no place for mediocre. We are called to be saints and to become saints together. That's a big task, but it is totally possible. SEEK helped me realize that it can happen.. there are enough of us in the young Church today to change the world. All we have to do is help each other keep that fire going and fall deeply in love with Jesus Christ.

Can I join you?

It's been a while since I've had something happen and instantly felt "I need to put this on my blog". So... finally... here is something that happened, just yesterday, on campus that I need to share.

Teia and I have been meeting for discipleship for a little over a month now and usually meet in the education annex of UMD. I like this spot because it's usually quiet enough to pray, but not where you feel disruptive while talking. Also, I like being around education stuff... my major hasn't been forgotten since graduation that's for sure.

Anyway, yesterday we began discipleship and were opening with meditative prayer as usual. I decided to lead with the story of Christ's birth found in Luke's Gospel (Luke 2:1-20). Usually, I begin by reading through the story, and then going back and prompting some ideas that stick out to me to guide whoever I'm praying with. So here's what happened...

Me: "...While they were there, the time came for her to have her child.."
Professor: "Excuse me, do you mind if I join you?"
Me: "No, that's fine."

So this professor takes a seat and I continue... I read the rest of the story, share some thoughts on the shepherds' perspective... think about it, they got front row seats at the birth of the Messiah!...  and then close in a short prayer.

As we finish, Teia and I make the sign of the cross and our new friend also does so. He then asks if it was a Catholic Bible (it was) and shares that he is also Catholic. It turns out, his family is beginning their own Christmas tradition this year apart from his and his wife's families. "Maybe we will include a reading of this story in our new tradition," he said. All I could think was... YES that is so great. Expose those kids to Scripture!

We continued to chat and Dan, our new friend, shared that he teaches various education classes at UMD and before that had taught at a Catholic school in Central America. He was currently just stepping out of his class so his students could do their semester evals and appreciated a chance to hear a "beautiful story." It was so encouraging to both Teia and I, not only to know there are awesome Catholic professors on this campus, but also to hear how awesome he thought it was that we took the time to read Scripture.

Dan went back to class and Teia and I proceeded with discipleship, talking about Christmas and her bible study she will be starting next semester.Yet, I couldn't get over how awesome it was that he joined us for prayer!

One last thing to share... which I haven't yet done for all you blog readers... I'm going to Guyana next summer for a mission trip with FOCUS! I found out about 2 weeks ago and have been so excited! To hear Dan talk about his experience in Central America was awesome in light of this new opportunity I have been given to travel and do mission work abroad. It's so beautiful how things work out sometimes....