I don't always realize how random the moments God sometimes uses to talk to me are. Having a relationship with Him is unique because, as long as you're listening, He can talk to you at any moment of your day. I have been trying to improve my awareness of His presence with me throughout the day this semester, and so far it is still a work in progress. But last week, He spoke really clearly.
Jesus is the love of my life. He has captivated me, heart mind and soul. And I want nothing more than to help everyone know His love for them. As a missionary at UMD the past year and a half, God has developed within me a heart for His children here on this campus. It's a great gift to motivate me and encourage me, especially when I'm tired and a little stressed. Sometimes though, it is also frustrating. I look at the fruit that has come through our team these past semesters and think, there are still so many more! Only 150ish students in bible study, 300-350 at Mass on Sunday.... for someone who likes to check things off a list, it's hard sometimes to realize that this campus is still a long way from fully belonging to Jesus. What more can I do?
Well, last week, I was walking through the main hallway on my way back to Newman after some meetings at the coffee shop. And I was getting a little discouraged at how many students passed me that I do not know. Then God spoke: "Kristen, you can't save them all. Only I can. All I'm asking of you is to make a difference for a few, who will do the same for others... until they all know me." My response: "That's it?"
See, sometimes I think in our pride, we want to be the savior. We are not. Jesus is. Only He can save those around us. Sometimes we try to take on more than we are capable of and think God is asking the impossible of us. We think "I can't do all this... I'm going to fail at what He is asking." But the amazing thing about how spiritual multiplication works is that if I do what He has asks of me and invest in the disciples He has given me and then women in my two bible studies, then hopefully they will also reach some of the women on campus. And over time, all UMD women will meet Jesus. That's all I can pray for. That's all God is asking. And I can do that.
This semester, my focus has shifted to this more intentional approach to my mission. I'm trying to spend most of my time investing in my team, disciples, and bible studies through prayer and personal relationships. Because God is so right, I can't save them all. But if His Church here at UMD simply does what He is asking, we can allow Him to work through us. And someday I know this campus will be His.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Tuesday, January 14, 2014
Saint in Progress
As I finished yesterday's blog, I mentioned that my story of sainthood is still being written. That's what I want to share today because it was another huge grace of my time in Dallas last week. I'm a checklist kinda girl... make a list, complete an item, check it off. Loose ends and no plan... that just doesn't have a place in my life.
I realized last week though, that I can't treat my story of sainthood that way. My life is still in progress... and my work of holiness will not be complete until I die. I may have a testimony, but it's one without an ending just yet. Unlike other things though, I am realizing that it is a good thing my story is still being written... because I'm still working on being the virtuous saint that God made me to be.
I think before last week, I treated my relationship with Jesus like it was complete, perfect, needing no change. The truth is, even though Jesus had won me back through my prayer life junior year at NDSU, He is still winning my heart. Every day, He wants to be there. He isn't a person we interact with just once and have our life changed and go on our way. Meeting Jesus is like meeting your spouse... once they are in your life, they are there forever, every single day.
Understanding this a little better has given me a strange peace that I usually don't have when a big task is "in progress." I think it is because it helps me to just learn to live in the moment and to constantly ask "how is Jesus forming me into a saint today?" Little daily steps like that make becoming holy seem a bit more attainable. Plus, if my story isn't over, than I can accept my failures and appreciate going to Confession so much more. I don't have to settle with where I am at now, I can keep learning and growing, moving ever closer to my goal of eternal life with God. Maybe a checklist isn't always the best way to live life!
I realized last week though, that I can't treat my story of sainthood that way. My life is still in progress... and my work of holiness will not be complete until I die. I may have a testimony, but it's one without an ending just yet. Unlike other things though, I am realizing that it is a good thing my story is still being written... because I'm still working on being the virtuous saint that God made me to be.
I think before last week, I treated my relationship with Jesus like it was complete, perfect, needing no change. The truth is, even though Jesus had won me back through my prayer life junior year at NDSU, He is still winning my heart. Every day, He wants to be there. He isn't a person we interact with just once and have our life changed and go on our way. Meeting Jesus is like meeting your spouse... once they are in your life, they are there forever, every single day.
Understanding this a little better has given me a strange peace that I usually don't have when a big task is "in progress." I think it is because it helps me to just learn to live in the moment and to constantly ask "how is Jesus forming me into a saint today?" Little daily steps like that make becoming holy seem a bit more attainable. Plus, if my story isn't over, than I can accept my failures and appreciate going to Confession so much more. I don't have to settle with where I am at now, I can keep learning and growing, moving ever closer to my goal of eternal life with God. Maybe a checklist isn't always the best way to live life!
Monday, January 13, 2014
Sometimes it's good to Retreat
Two months since my last post.... and finally time to share some thoughts. The truth is, with how busy Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas were, I just did not have time to even come up with a blog post... let alone write one. But over the past week, several ideas have come to me... which I'm planning to share, one at a time, during this last week of my Christmas break. And so, the first blog of 2014!
The end of the semester was busy. So was my entire fall. So was summer... so is life I guess. Until last week, I was living life at a sprinting pace, but I didn't know it. Sure, I'd take some occasional breaks to spend time with family or Devin, I (most days) spent an hour in the chapel and went to Mass. Yet despite these "breaks", I was sprinting through life without any knowledge of it. I noticed how fast the year was going, but just figured that's what it's like when you get to be 24. Then Jesus spoke.
Last week, I was blessed to attend FOCUS' Student Leadership Summit in Dallas, TX. We had a great group of 17 UMD students join us and it was fun to spend time with them. On the 3rd night (Sunday Jan 5) we had some time of Adoration. I entered the ballroom and knelt down with my campus group. The lighting of Jesus in the Monstrance was incredible. You could see the lights stream through the air to the stage. Then the band started to lead us in song. I sang along, thinking of how beautiful it all was. And then the words "I'll run til I finish the race." I lost it. Tears went down my cheeks and I couldn't sing. I just stared right at Jesus and heard Him say, "Kristen... I love you."
That's all I needed to hear... He loves me. In the midst of leading bible study, holding discipleship, directing my team, planning events, writing newsletters, Christmas shopping, playing with my sisters, and going on incredible dates with Devin... I had lost sight of my first love. My prayer life had become another scheduled task to check off on my calendar, rather than time to be refreshed and loved by Jesus. I was so caught up in my exterior work for Him, that I had neglected to care for my own soul.
I really love the idea of being a soldier for Christ. When Curtis Martin was getting ready to start FOCUS, he shared his plan with Blessed Pope John Paul II. The Pope's reply was "Be soldiers." But we who are soldiers, fighting for the Kingdom of the King, must not forget that sometimes it is good to retreat. I don't mean to retreat and give up the fight, but to retreat into the depths of our heart and make sure that the external affairs of life aren't snuffing out the flame of love that Jesus has lit within us.
Just last week, I began to read The Soul of the Apostolate. I read this book back in my junior year of college, but it is incredible how the words of the author speak right to my life now too. He emphasizes that the heart of all we do must be our interior relationship with God. We must continuously be converted and draw close to Christ if we want to share Him with others. We must be so filled with God's love that it spills out to others, while still filling us.
This last week of break includes a wonderful example of my to do lists. But with that also comes a renewed dedication to pray and read, to truly be refreshed. I can't give what I do not have. I cannot help others meet Jesus if I stop meeting with Him everyday, not just showing up in the Chapel, but truly being present there. Accepting that Jesus still has much to teach me and that I can do nothing without Him. My story is still being written... but more on that tomorrow.
The end of the semester was busy. So was my entire fall. So was summer... so is life I guess. Until last week, I was living life at a sprinting pace, but I didn't know it. Sure, I'd take some occasional breaks to spend time with family or Devin, I (most days) spent an hour in the chapel and went to Mass. Yet despite these "breaks", I was sprinting through life without any knowledge of it. I noticed how fast the year was going, but just figured that's what it's like when you get to be 24. Then Jesus spoke.
Last week, I was blessed to attend FOCUS' Student Leadership Summit in Dallas, TX. We had a great group of 17 UMD students join us and it was fun to spend time with them. On the 3rd night (Sunday Jan 5) we had some time of Adoration. I entered the ballroom and knelt down with my campus group. The lighting of Jesus in the Monstrance was incredible. You could see the lights stream through the air to the stage. Then the band started to lead us in song. I sang along, thinking of how beautiful it all was. And then the words "I'll run til I finish the race." I lost it. Tears went down my cheeks and I couldn't sing. I just stared right at Jesus and heard Him say, "Kristen... I love you."
That's all I needed to hear... He loves me. In the midst of leading bible study, holding discipleship, directing my team, planning events, writing newsletters, Christmas shopping, playing with my sisters, and going on incredible dates with Devin... I had lost sight of my first love. My prayer life had become another scheduled task to check off on my calendar, rather than time to be refreshed and loved by Jesus. I was so caught up in my exterior work for Him, that I had neglected to care for my own soul.
I really love the idea of being a soldier for Christ. When Curtis Martin was getting ready to start FOCUS, he shared his plan with Blessed Pope John Paul II. The Pope's reply was "Be soldiers." But we who are soldiers, fighting for the Kingdom of the King, must not forget that sometimes it is good to retreat. I don't mean to retreat and give up the fight, but to retreat into the depths of our heart and make sure that the external affairs of life aren't snuffing out the flame of love that Jesus has lit within us.
Just last week, I began to read The Soul of the Apostolate. I read this book back in my junior year of college, but it is incredible how the words of the author speak right to my life now too. He emphasizes that the heart of all we do must be our interior relationship with God. We must continuously be converted and draw close to Christ if we want to share Him with others. We must be so filled with God's love that it spills out to others, while still filling us.
This last week of break includes a wonderful example of my to do lists. But with that also comes a renewed dedication to pray and read, to truly be refreshed. I can't give what I do not have. I cannot help others meet Jesus if I stop meeting with Him everyday, not just showing up in the Chapel, but truly being present there. Accepting that Jesus still has much to teach me and that I can do nothing without Him. My story is still being written... but more on that tomorrow.
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Have Your Way, My King
The song "Help me Find it" (Sidewalk Prophets) has been a theme of mine this year. The line that always gets to me is in the bridge: "Have your way, my King." That's the openness of heart and life I'm trying to have. "Have your way Jesus, You are my King, and this is all for You." It is incredible what a difference it makes. I just take that line to prayer constantly... and try to make it more and more sincere every time I say it. I want to just let my life be completely abandoned to whatever Jesus wants for me. Whatever He wants to do through me and my time as a missionary.
Last week, I got to attend the regional Team Director Summit in Chicago. It was a huge blessing to spend time with other leaders within FOCUS and share our successes and struggles on campus this fall. One TD shared how she and her team spend a few moments giving each day to God, praying through their schedule for that day together. Since returning to Duluth, I've been trying to do that. Each morning, before I even leave my apartment, I just go through my schedule, praying about each appointment, task, etc. And it has completely changed my life.
My conversations have been completely transformed. Bible study and discipleship, as well as conversations with teammates and students.... they are all bearing more fruit. And not because of anything I'm doing, but because I'm finally willing to step aside and let Jesus be in control. Sure, there are still some times I am a bit nervous about truly challenging someone and miss the opportunity, but when I let Him do all the work, wow.
For example, some of the women I meet with for discipleship are just amazing me. Their vulnerability and openness to be challenged to share their faith is truly remarkable. And I'm able to see that when Jesus is steering the conversation. I also find myself being more productive, getting things accomplished in record time... hence the time to write this post.
I'm not perfect at this whole abandonment thing just yet, but the more I let myself belong to my King, the more I realize just how much God loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't have to feel overwhelmed by the many responsibilities, relationships, and roles in my life.... I can embrace them as the specific mission He has chosen for me. All in the bigger mission of His... the salvation of the entire world. And as one of our regional leaders, Dan, said last week: It is a privilege, not a burden, to be part of this greatest mission.
I hope each one of my blog readers can take that line of "have your way my King" to prayer and just see what happens.... to truly let go of our control over our lives, schedule, future.... and sincerely seek God's will alone, the role in His mission He wants us each to have.
Last week, I got to attend the regional Team Director Summit in Chicago. It was a huge blessing to spend time with other leaders within FOCUS and share our successes and struggles on campus this fall. One TD shared how she and her team spend a few moments giving each day to God, praying through their schedule for that day together. Since returning to Duluth, I've been trying to do that. Each morning, before I even leave my apartment, I just go through my schedule, praying about each appointment, task, etc. And it has completely changed my life.
My conversations have been completely transformed. Bible study and discipleship, as well as conversations with teammates and students.... they are all bearing more fruit. And not because of anything I'm doing, but because I'm finally willing to step aside and let Jesus be in control. Sure, there are still some times I am a bit nervous about truly challenging someone and miss the opportunity, but when I let Him do all the work, wow.
For example, some of the women I meet with for discipleship are just amazing me. Their vulnerability and openness to be challenged to share their faith is truly remarkable. And I'm able to see that when Jesus is steering the conversation. I also find myself being more productive, getting things accomplished in record time... hence the time to write this post.
I'm not perfect at this whole abandonment thing just yet, but the more I let myself belong to my King, the more I realize just how much God loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't have to feel overwhelmed by the many responsibilities, relationships, and roles in my life.... I can embrace them as the specific mission He has chosen for me. All in the bigger mission of His... the salvation of the entire world. And as one of our regional leaders, Dan, said last week: It is a privilege, not a burden, to be part of this greatest mission.
I hope each one of my blog readers can take that line of "have your way my King" to prayer and just see what happens.... to truly let go of our control over our lives, schedule, future.... and sincerely seek God's will alone, the role in His mission He wants us each to have.
Friday, November 1, 2013
My (Hopeful) Future Feast Day
Today's Caribou Coffee trivia question was awesome. Especially for all us Catholics. The question: What is the day after Halloween called? The answer: All Saints Day. Just another reminder of the amazing solemnity we celebrate today. And I was blessed to go to Mass twice to celebrate!
I've thought a lot about becoming a saint throughout the past few years. Ever since my relationship with Jesus really took off my junior year at NDSU, sainthood has been my goal. And I've always loved the way Fr. Mike (our UMD chaplain) blesses those who cannot receive Communion: "May God bless you and make you a saint". But last night, those words took on a whole new meaning. I attended Mass with some girls from my bible study and as Fr. Mike blessed the one in front of me in the Communion line, I got chills. As I stepped up and said "Amen" to receive Jesus, something in me changed. I realized in a profound way that I receive Jesus in the Eucharist because.... I want to be a saint. I want to be like Him.
A real simple definition of sainthood might be helpful. Today, Fr. Mike explained it as "saying yes to God in each moment". I like that, it makes my goal of sainthood pretty simple. Just say yes to God - including when He invites me to write a blog post!
There are a couple big ways that I have noticed God is making me a saint. And honestly, I don't remember if I have blogged about them before, so my apologies if this is repeated. But perspective can always change... so here we go.
The first way God is currently forming me into a saint is through my call to be a FOCUS missionary and, this year, team director. I truly get to build virtue everyday. Growing in my courage to share the Gospel, talking daily about my relationship with Jesus and how I live it in His Church, and being surrounded by others who encourage me in living a moral life... what an amazing job. It is definitely a gift. My Dove chocolate wrapper tonight read "love what you do" and I definitely do. My job is incredible, beautifully challenging, and uniquely rewarding. Regardless of how long I stay on staff, my time with FOCUS will forever have had an impact on the saint I'm striving to become.
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| Catie - a student from last year, now a FOCUS mish! |
The second way God is increasing my ability to be a saint is through my relationship with Devin. I never thought I would meet such an amazing, virtuous man. Devin treats me with so much respect and love, and truly puts my relationship with Jesus first. I love that our weekend visits include shared prayer time and that most of our conversations via Skype or FaceTime end with a prayer. Being in a relationship with such an awesome guy definitely reveals God's love for me even more. Devin loves me like Jesus does. He truly is helping me learn how to receive love and embrace being a beloved daughter of God. Long distance relationships are tough, but I'm realizing how to love... not just when it feels good, but even when it is tough. I'm also learning what a beautiful thing it is to discern marriage through dating... and let all that I have read about Theology of the Body and Love and Responsibility be a lived reality. Devin and I want eachother to be saints, and I'm so thankful to have such a great man to walk this path of sainthood with.
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| Devin and I at Halloween party last weekend |
At the All Saints Day mass I attended today, Fr. Mike really put today's feast in perspective. The title of this post is "My (Hopeful) Future Feast Day" because of that perspective. Today is the day that the Catholic Church celebrates all those who have lived lives worthy of eternal happiness in Heaven. Since that is what I hope to attain, then really I'm trying to live a life that someday leads me to have this as my feast day. The day when the whole Church will celebrate the way God's grace saved me from sin and death, and gave me this beautiful life of love. What a beautiful perspective to end the week!
Monday, October 21, 2013
Being Intentional
I like to set goals. I love having a to-do list to check off. I like having a schedule and doing my best to stick to it. But this year there has been just so much that sometimes I feel like I'm all over the place without going anywhere. Not for long though... I'm getting intentional.
A few different events have sparked this awareness of my need to be more intentional. First, I renewed my Consecration to Mary last weekend (little did I know that Pope Francis consecrated the whole world to Mary's Immaculate Heart on the same day I re-committed myself to her guidance). After once again entrusting my life into Mary's hands on October 13, something changed. I've done the consecration before... but never been so committed and intentional about it. This time was different, and I noticed! My rosary the next week was amazing... I truly felt like I was walking with Mary during the different moments of Jesus' life (which was helped by the fact that I went for a run as I prayed, so I was literally moving). The difference was that I was intentional and I wanted to be changed.
Next, this past weekend. I helped interview potential missionaries for FOCUS. It was a great opportunity to be reminded of my own discernment of FOCUS and hearing God's call. Yesterday, Paul (one of our regional leaders) shared how evangelization is a command..... how intentional have I been in sharing? We profess at Mass that God saves... am I intentional in my conversations and time on-campus and off about trying to share God's love with others?
As my teammate Joe and I brought the gifts up at Mass last night, we had contact cards for students at mass who were interested in bible study in the collection basket. As Joe handed it to Fr. Mike, I felt a rush of grace. We were truly giving the students to God at His altar. Wow. As we sang the song "mighty to save" I realized... I have given my life for what I believe... Jesus and His Church.
Fr. Mike mentioned in his homily that we should come to Mass and prayer with a desire to leave changed for the better by God. This is going to be my new mentality. So this morning, I woke up. I reviewed my goals and campus plan. I asked Mary to help me. And I set more serious goals for the week than I have yet this year.
It's time to be a little more intentional. To wake up each morning and intentionally live my life for Christ and the mission He has invited me to. I love talking about Jesus, but I want to intentionally invite others to love Him more. To be bold in my invitation and to pour out my life for the souls on this campus and in my life. And week 8 seems like a great time to start doing this.
Sorry for the short post... but mass starts in 15 minutes and I have to pack up and leave my cozy spot at Caribou. I hope to share more later this week!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
God is Big
God is doing big things. Well, He always is.... but now that we are a little ways into the school year, it's crystal clear to me. God is doing big things, on-campus and also in my heart. Some days, I get really caught up in the tasks, meetings, and responsibilities of my day. And then I sit back, and I look at my life, my mission, and I just am in awe.
What big things is God doing you might ask. Well, let's start with campus. Here at UMD, we have 35 bible studies on-campus. 35 Catholic bible studies. And they aren't just led by myself and my teammates, 26 of them are led by students, amazing student missionaries who have such a heart for Jesus and His Church that they're willing to invest some of their precious time and energy into spreading His love to their peers. And these aren't just small groups either. My own bible studies have grown so much: my athlete's study doubling in size to 8 and my other group growing to a dozen. As I sat down with each of the student missionaries in my discipleship chain at the start of the semester, they so impressed me. 10 women. That's the common goal for pretty much each of these 5 leaders. That would by 70 women in bible study just in my "chain of command" alone. God is doing big things. He's taking this campus over by planting a desire to encounter Him and share Him in many students' hearts.
As if blessing my mission at UMD wasn't enough, God is doing big things in my life. Each day, He asks me to let Him love me in new and incredible ways, through my team, family, friends, and boyfriend. He calls me to love others for Him, to just pour myself out in ways I never thought possible. Sometimes it feels like so much, but then He blesses me with a great conversation, a needed cup of coffee, a gorgeous fall day, whatever. He always knows just what I need and can time it so perfectly that I can keep letting His light shine through me. I am learning that the more I let God love me and fill me, the larger my capacity for loving Him and others becomes. My heart literally expands.
I have wanted to be a saint all my life, wanting to get to Heaven. I always kind of thought I knew what that might look like. What I never thought about until now was how big God's plan for my holiness really is. For example, He doesn't just want me to be a saint. He really desires for me to be a saint. So every time I start to get even the slightest bit content with where my life and virtue is at, He instantly shakes me out of it and begins to give me new opportunities to grow. Not because He doesn't want me to be happy, but because He desperately wants me to experience the deep joy that comes from pursuing the path of holiness He has laid out uniquely for me!
Back when I was a student missionary, one of our missionaries at NDSU used to ask us: "How big is your God?" What Amanda meant was, when you pray, do you pray with confidence in an all-powerful God, or do you shrink your request because you don't actually expect much in answer to your prayer? Well, I'm seeing this year that I need to start praying even bigger. Because God is big... bigger and more powerful than I ever really grasped (and probably still don't). So as we continue reaching out, building up bible studies, investing in students, planning for our first ever bulldogCatholic week, preparing for retreats and conferences, I'm going to start encouraging my team and student missionaries to really pray big. And not just for these different aspects of our mission on-campus, but in our personal paths of holiness too. To pray that God would make us bigger saints than we might even dare to dream of being.
Happy feast of St. Therese of Liseux, patroness of missionaries!
What big things is God doing you might ask. Well, let's start with campus. Here at UMD, we have 35 bible studies on-campus. 35 Catholic bible studies. And they aren't just led by myself and my teammates, 26 of them are led by students, amazing student missionaries who have such a heart for Jesus and His Church that they're willing to invest some of their precious time and energy into spreading His love to their peers. And these aren't just small groups either. My own bible studies have grown so much: my athlete's study doubling in size to 8 and my other group growing to a dozen. As I sat down with each of the student missionaries in my discipleship chain at the start of the semester, they so impressed me. 10 women. That's the common goal for pretty much each of these 5 leaders. That would by 70 women in bible study just in my "chain of command" alone. God is doing big things. He's taking this campus over by planting a desire to encounter Him and share Him in many students' hearts.
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| my bible study last Thursday |
I have wanted to be a saint all my life, wanting to get to Heaven. I always kind of thought I knew what that might look like. What I never thought about until now was how big God's plan for my holiness really is. For example, He doesn't just want me to be a saint. He really desires for me to be a saint. So every time I start to get even the slightest bit content with where my life and virtue is at, He instantly shakes me out of it and begins to give me new opportunities to grow. Not because He doesn't want me to be happy, but because He desperately wants me to experience the deep joy that comes from pursuing the path of holiness He has laid out uniquely for me!
Back when I was a student missionary, one of our missionaries at NDSU used to ask us: "How big is your God?" What Amanda meant was, when you pray, do you pray with confidence in an all-powerful God, or do you shrink your request because you don't actually expect much in answer to your prayer? Well, I'm seeing this year that I need to start praying even bigger. Because God is big... bigger and more powerful than I ever really grasped (and probably still don't). So as we continue reaching out, building up bible studies, investing in students, planning for our first ever bulldogCatholic week, preparing for retreats and conferences, I'm going to start encouraging my team and student missionaries to really pray big. And not just for these different aspects of our mission on-campus, but in our personal paths of holiness too. To pray that God would make us bigger saints than we might even dare to dream of being.
Happy feast of St. Therese of Liseux, patroness of missionaries!
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