Miracle of the Moment

It's crazy that I haven't written a blog post in a while. The end of the school year has just been full of many wonderful opportunities to just live life. And not spend tons of time on my computer. Which is completely fine. But, I had some time open up on this Thursday morning and decided to share some of the graces of these past weeks with you, my blog followers.

Living in the moment. Not worrying about the future. Two huge goals. Two huge graces. Jesus has just been giving me so many opportunities to rest in Him and learn to trust Him. As the school year wraps up, the future still has a few uncertainties. But I've come to realize that it is an incredibly unique opportunity for  me to really put my relationship with Jesus into practice in a profound way.

It is crazy to realize how last year at this time I was finishing student teaching, completely unsure of where FOCUS would send me, and getting ready to leave NDSU and my hometown of Fargo. God has blessed me so much through my yes to Him this year. I have learned so much from my teammates, the students here at UMD and CSS, our chaplain Fr. Mike, and the other missionaries across the country. Not to mention all that God has taught me through reading, studying Scripture, and learning to be entirely dependent on Him alone. What a great gift. I was rereading some cards I have gotten throughout the year last night and found one from Amanda, the first FOCUS missionary I met at NDSU my first year there. In it, she wrote that God cannot be outdone in His generosity and that I would benefit more from my time with FOCUS than any of the students I meet. After just one year, I know that Amanda was definitely right.

Jesus keeps finding many ways to remind me of His love. This past weekend, 4 of my sisters came to visit! It was the first time I had seen some of them since Christmas break. We had an amazing weekend shopping, touring Duluth and the Northshore, eating some good food, and just hanging out. Perhaps my favorite part of the whole weekend was when we all piled into my living room to watch a movie, eat snacks, and just laugh together. People are constantly shocked when I say that I have 8 little sisters (and no brothers), but I wouldn't trade my family for anything.

sisters and I at the canal

In addition to that big gift of a weekend with 4 of my best friends, Jesus has loved me with little things that just make my day. Here is a short list from just this week so far:

-Monday, I got a phone call from Fr. Cheney (NDSU Chaplain) who was here in Duluth! What a treat to spend time with him and grab lunch when I wasn't expecting it!

-Tuesday morning, my wonderful team director brushed all the snow off my car before I left to work out. What an awesome surprise to start the day! (We had record snowfall the night before)

-Yesterday I had great conversations with Catie, Sherry, and Teia. Plus an opportunity to share some of the beauty of Theology of the Body with my bible study!

-Today I came to Caribou to do a little work and read, and found out that they have a rewards card! I love Caribou coffee and instantly said yes. This led to a free size upgrade on my Campfire mocha, a free coffee next time I come in, and my receipt had a survey on it for a dollar off next time too! Jesus clearly knows me well!

I'm so thankful for all these little graces, and also a big one. It is hard to think of not being here in Duluth next year. But on Sunday, Jesus opened my heart to love the girls here in a new way. He gave me the ability to recognize that I might not be what's best for them and their relationship with Him next year. And if that is so, then I love them enough to let go and move.... I just want them to be His, not mine. So, either way, I'm going to enjoy these last weeks of the semester and just help them grow as much as I can, so that with or without me, Jesus is always their number one. 

disciple Teia and I at Mass n Meal last week

I'll be sure to post something when everything about next year is set and finalized. Until then, please pray for all of the students and missionaries as we finish up the year. Especially for the grace to remain centered on Christ with all of the distractions that this time of year (and some hopefully warmer weather!) can bring. 

Holy Week 2013

Happy Easter!! I have been meaning to write a post about last week for several days now... and it took until Friday for me to get the time to do so. It has been a beautifully busy week here at UMD, but I wanted to take some time and reflect on last week: Holy Week.

In the Catholic Church, the week proceeding Easter is called Holy Week. Beginning with Palm Sunday and ending with the Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Holy Saturday), this week is a beautiful time to really reflect on the love God has for us, demonstrated in the Passion and Death of His Beloved Son, Jesus. This year, Holy Week landed right after UMD's spring break. It was an absolutely incredible week for many reasons.

On Monday of Holy Week, I was able to attend my first ever Chrism Mass. This is the mass where the Bishop blesses the holy oils to be used in the diocese for the year. Also, all the priests in the diocese renew their vows. It was absolutely beautiful to have this opportunity to pray with and for the priests of the Duluth diocese. I am so thankful for the vocation of the priesthood. God has blessed me with some wonderful priests to be spiritual fathers over the years, especially through my uncle Fr. Austin, the priests at my parish of Sts. Anne and Joachim, Fr. Cheney at the Newman Center at NDSU, and Fr. Mike here at UMD. It is through His priests that Jesus brings us the sacraments... the new life of Baptism, the forgiveness of Confession, the reality of the Eucharist, just to name a few.

Tuesday was our Lenten Confession service on campus. It was a great opportunity to clean up my soul before the Triduum and Easter. Wednesday was our last RCIA class before the big night on Saturday... more on that later. Holy Thursday was awesome. We celebrated the Mass of the Lord's Supper on campus, followed by the Seder meal (traditional Jewish Passover meal). I learned a lot about the Passover, which was great. We then had an hour of Adoration back at Newman to spend that hour with Jesus during His Agony. Good Friday was filled with the Good Friday liturgy, Stations of the Cross, and a viewing of the movie the Passion of the Christ.

Then came the high point of it all: Holy Saturday! If the weather in Duluth was beautiful (we topped 50 degrees!) the Easter Vigil Mass was 100x better! It's been a while since I've attended a Vigil mass, and I LOVED it.

UMD RCIA Group 2013 with Bishop Sirba and Fr. Mike

Kelly and I

While the fire, candles, music, and Scripture were all really great, my favorite part was the celebration of sacraments. We had 16 UMD students get Confirmed... half of whom were not Catholic until that night! I was honored to be Kelly's sponsor for the night and be right in front to watch as other students I have gotten to know this year were fully received into the family of the Church. Some of them have really grown closer to Jesus by their search for truth. As they each were sealed with the Holy Spirit, I seriously felt like a proud parent. Their joy just overflowed. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for each of these amazing men and women now!

Tessa and Nicole

Alyssa and Kate from my bible study

Easter Sunday was really wonderful. My friends from Fargo, Kelsey and Josie, came up for the weekend. They were here on Friday, but it wasn't really until Sunday that I had a chance to show them Duluth. After spending the morning with my teammate Rosalin cooking brunch for our team, we headed out to Park Point to walk on the beach. It was cold, but beautiful. After some coffee at my favorite Caribou, we drove up the North Shore. It was so fun to just spend some quality time with these two. That night, we watched Les Mis and enjoyed some snacks before an early Monday morning Holy Hour when they hit the road. I'm so glad they came to visit and helped make my first holiday away from home a little easier. See pictures of our adventures below.

As we now celebrate this Easter season, I hope that you may experience the joy of the Resurrection! Alleluia!

Kelsey and I at Caribou

NDSU ladies at Easter Party Saturday Night

Josie and I on a Lake Walk walk!

the Gift of being Catholic

Last weekend at Mass, Fr. Mike focused on the topic of "why be Catholic" as a conclusion to his 6-week series on "Do-it-yourself Religion." As always it was a great homily that left me thinking and more in love with Jesus. This week though, one particular phrase really stuck out: "being Catholic is a gift." Hm, I don't know that I have ever really thought about it like that before. So, without really noticing it, I asked Jesus right then and there at Mass Sunday evening to show me how being Catholic is such a gift. Little did I know how much He wanted to show me.

me and all my little sisters this summer

This week, I finished "Because God is Real" and moved on to the next book on my list, "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World." This book has been on my radar for some time, especially knowing that I am a serving motivation and older sister. I can relate to Martha pretty well when she is running around serving Jesus and her little sister Mary just sits at His feet (Luke 10:38-42). It is a good book with several points that have hit close to home for me and my own struggles to more deeply love Jesus. Yet, as I read, something just seemed to be missing... like I wasn't being told the complete story.

After a couple chapters, I realized why something didn't feel right... there are no saints quoted. (ok, later on Mother Teresa comes in... but only one saint the entire book?!?) There's also no sacraments. The author says it's important to rid our life of sin, but never says "go to Confession and experience true freedom." In the chapter about intimacy with Jesus, prayer is encouraged...  but no mention of the most intimate form of prayer: Eucharistic Adoration. Yes, this book is good and I'm finishing reading it before passing it off to my mom, but without the Church, it's just not complete.

Josie & I in 80s gear soph yr

I've felt this way about a book before. A few years ago, my wonderful friend Josie gave me the book "Captivating." It's a beautiful explanation of women's hearts, deepest desires, and dignity. But, the author left the Catholic Church... so the most beautiful woman ever, Mary, is not mentioned once. Like the one I'm reading now, there's also no other saints or sacraments. Theology of the Body has some incredible things to say about our dignity as women, but none of these teachings really made it in either. I used to say I was going to write the Catholic version of that book... but Jason and Crystalina Evert beat me to it. Check out "How to find your Soulmate without Losing your Soul." It's legit.


Back to this week: the sacraments and saints missing in my latest read weren't the only gifts of being Catholic that Jesus revealed to me. Last night at RCIA, we learned about suffering and how it can be redemptive because we can unite our suffering to Christ (Colossians 1:24). That's a huge gift because every time that I encounter suffering (physical, emotional, spiritual) I can "offer it up" and unite it to Jesus on the Cross. In fact, that mentality has helped make some intense morning spin classes just a little easier.

Last year when we had our end of the year banquet for FOCUS, all of the graduating seniors were asked what their favorite thing about being Catholic is. I had a few to choose from. They are:

1. The Eucharist. Jesus completely gives us Himself... His complete self. And we not only can receive Him at Mass, but also spend time in His presence in Adoration.

2. Bl. John Paul II's Theology of the Body. I'm in love with this teaching.... it's so beautiful and true. (Like all things Catholic)

3. Confession. What a blessing that this sacrament gives us Jesus's promise of forgiveness for all those times we choose against Him.

Another way that being Catholic is a gift is the beautiful tradition and history that accompany Christ's bride the Church. My pilgrimage to Rome two years ago made this fact abundantly clear to me. I was blown away by the rich history of faith portrayed in countless churches in the home of Catholicism.

in St. Peter's (March 2011)

As we transition from the papacy of Pope Benedict XVI to a new pope, it is also a great reminder of the gift of the papacy. We need a successor of St. Peter to watch over and guide the Church. We need a holy leader to guide us in the New Evangelization. Keep praying for the guidance of the Holy Spirit for our Cardinals!

This list is definitely not a finished list of why my Catholic faith is a gift. However, this week has been a wonderful opportunity to once again be reminded of why I'm Catholic and why that is so awesome. I'm so thankful that my parents brought me up in the faith, sacrificed so I could attend Catholic schools, and gave me such a beautiful example of marriage, family, and being a Catholic in today's world. As I type this, I realize that I have also been given the blessing of being called to share this gift in a profound way as a FOCUS missionary, and someday as a parent myself. Jesus is just too good to me. What an awesome gift the Catholic faith is.

Little Reminders of Love

After the past two packed weekends, this weekend was a much needed time of just enjoying some free time. As much as I love spending time with friends, I realized today how nice it was to have a weekend without many plans. God gave me many simple, little blessings this weekend. Here's a sampling:

-Spending Saturday and Sunday mornings with a cup of coffee and reading a few chapters of "Because God is Real" by Peter Kreeft (I definitely recommend it)

-Walking up to the lookout in Bagley with some girls on a sunny winter Saturday, then making our way back down with no sleds (check out my pictures to understand how gorgeous it was)

-Hanging out with my teammates last night for dinner and some Just Dance 4. I'm so blessed to have a great team. 

-Having nice weather to go for a run outside Friday and today. If this weather keeps up, I'll be running in shorts soon!

-Not having to set an alarm all weekend. I'm actually going to our 8pm Mass tonight for once!

-Getting caught up on some arts and crafts, including my scrapbook. I'm almost finished with my NDSU years. 

Perhaps the best part of this weekend has been allowing God to remind me of all the little things that bring me joy, like running in the sunshine, crafts, and reading. This semester has been really wonderful and packed with grace on campus, but Jesus knew I needed to be reminded that sometimes He loves me best through the little things I forget to thank Him for. I'm excited to get back on campus tomorrow and notice the little ways He wants to love me throughout this week! 

Won me Over

This past weekend I had the opportunity to help staff a FOCUS Interview Weekend. These weekends are great times of discernment, and my own IW last year was super helpful in realizing how God had been preparing me to answer His call to be a missionary with FOCUS. I was excited to help on the opposite side of the process in St. Paul, yet curious to see what the weekend would hold. 

Throughout the weekend, I got to meet some amazing potential missionaries, spend time with FOCUS friends, and learn more about myself. It was a busy, packed weekend and staying up late catching up with friends didn't help how tired I felt. I got back to Duluth yesterday afternoon utterly exhausted and somewhat emotionally numb. All I wanted was to just lay down and somehow feel awake and alive again. Once I recognized that, I knew what I had to do... go to Jesus. 

I am so thankful for the Perpetual Adoration chapel here in Duluth. It is my place to go when I just need to be in the presence of my King. So about 6pm last night, I enter, kneel down, and just tell Jesus that He can have as much time as He needs to show me why I feel run down and sad. I spent until 7:30 there with Him, and the only thing I knew when I left was that He loves me and that I really just needed a good night of sleep. 

I got that solid sleep, and woke up to go to Mass this morning at 8am, even though technically we had the day off. I was feeling much better and wasn't expecting any major grace from Mass and prayer. Well, God loves to surprise me. As I finished praying, it just hit me. My life is different now. Jesus has truly changed everything. He has won my heart. 

As I got in my car to go to Caribou for some coffee, I realized that this was a huge grace from the weekend. God wanted to show me how different my life is compared to when I didn't know Him. Sure, I've always been a "practicing Catholic" and I've always believed in God, but it didn't impact my entire life. In high school, despite the love of my family, I would be miserable, feeling very alone, and striving to prove my worth through perfect grades and a reputation as a leader. I thought if I just got good grades and kept busy, I'd somehow earn the love my heart longed for. What I didn't know was that I desired something greater than what I was filling my life with. 

College started with that same mentality of needing to prove myself. My faith was on the radar only as something to do because everyone expected me to keep being a "good Catholic girl" and I didn't want to lose that reputation. Jesus had other plans. My desire for friends led me to a FOCUS bible study, and my life would never again be the same. Through the love of the other women, through reading God's Word and actually seeing how it mattered, through a new habit of daily mass, and most importantly through prayer, I met Jesus. 

Freshman year, I started to really pray. Not just a list of intentions like when I was little, but actually entering into conversation with Jesus. When my junior year started, God very clearly asked for an hour each day. I gave it to Him.... and He won me over. Before, I had never noticed that God was pursuing me, that He loved me enough to keep chasing after me even though I acted as though He didn't exist. I was so busy trying to prove I was worth loving, that I failed to understand that the love I desired couldn't be earned. It was already mine if I would just accept it. Accept that I can't do anything on my own, and that I am in desperate need of a Savior. I am God's daughter, and therefore, I'm worth it. 

My life is still not perfect. But, my life is now a joyful pursuit of a true purpose. Not to be a straight-A student or get recognized for being a good person or anything else. I am pursuing Heaven, pursuing sainthood. I am by no means done getting to know Jesus, and I still struggle at times to let Him love me and really be my best friend. But I know that is the goal and I'm ok with admitting that I need His help and the love of family and friends to remember that. 

When I let Jesus in, He changed everything. He won me over and now has called me to this incredible opportunity to share His love in a very tangible way. This weekend, I was asked by several applicants if I love my job. The answer? YES! I have the best job ever. Because I get to help college students meet Jesus Christ through His Church, through the Sacraments, Scripture, good friendships, and prayer. I just hope and pray that my life might bear witness to them of the joy He longs to give if they are willing to let Him love them. 

One last thing: my favorite artist, Audrey Assad, has a great song about this idea. I was blasting it in my car this morning on my drive to Caribou. It's also where I got the title for this post. Click here to listen and just know that Jesus is pursuing your heart too. 

Good to be Alive

Yesterday morning was a great morning. Here is a little synopsis of what happened:
5:45am: alarm goes off
6:01am: get in my car (no scraping of the windshield necessary!) and successfully get out of my parking spot surrounded by piles of snow from Sunday's blizzard
     a few minutes into my drive to campus, the song "Good to be Alive" by Jason Gray comes on the radio.
                      Click here to hear it: Good to be Alive on youtube
6:30am: spin class starts. I'm back on the bike after last week's injury, and that song sticks with me!
8am: Holy Hour starts.. a whole hour to just be with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and say thank you
9am: my day continues... on a super positive note.

So why was this schedule such a great start to a Tuesday? Well, for those of you who didn't click the link, there's a few parts of that song that really stuck with mes:

"Hold on, is this really the life I'm living? Cuz I don't feel like I deserve it ... 

I want to live like there's no tomorrow, love like I'm on borrowed time, it's good to be alive...

 all I want is to give you a life well-lived to say thank you..."

Now, I've heard this song before, but this time it stuck in my head. As I pedaled, I realized what a blessing it was to even be able to move my legs... something that a week ago, for those who read my post, was pretty painful due to pushing myself a little too hard at that first class. then I realized how incredible it was to be able to exercise, to breathe, to be alive... As I kept thinking about it, this overwhelming gratitude for my life just filled my heart... Thank you Jesus. The lyrics from the song keep popping into my head, what a blessing my life is, how undeserving I am, and how I desire to live this life well for Jesus.

Fast forward through the cool-down to morning holy hour. Once we finished morning prayer, I sat back and read a few Gospel accounts of men and women who expressed thankfulness when Jesus healed them. I spent a good part of the rest of my time in Adoration just filled with gratitude. For my physical existence, yes,  but also for the fact that I am God's daughter... He has fought for me. I was so caught up in my own drama in high school, but He never stopped looking for me and drawing me to Himself. And now, I have a relationship with Jesus that I never could have dreamed of. On a daily basis, I get to share my love of Him with the students here at UMD. And I am so incredibly blessed.

In that above schedule, I didn't mention our team meeting. However, the theme of thankfulness continued there because Andy led us in prayer by meditating on the creation account and thinking about our own creation. It was so cool because it reaffirmed everything that had been in my heart all morning and even took it a step further. I could see God on the day I was born, huge smile, full of joy...saying: "finally.... now she gets to receive my love. she gets to live this incredible life I have had planned since the beginning of time... she gets to change the world if she just says yes." Words can't even describe that prayer experience!

Today is Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent. Lent is a great time to rid our lives of those things which keep us from Jesus and prepare to celebrate His Passion, Death, and Resurrection. I'm not going to share all my Lenten resolutions here, but I have decided that some of them are going to focus on keeping this spirit of thankfulness alive. So, I am giving up complaining. And adding in some time at the end of each day to thank God for that day. For those of you who see me throughout Lent, if I am complaining, here is permission to (lovingly) point that out! I know I'm not perfect.. and that resolution will be a work in progress.

Jason Gray's song is just an incredible reflection on what a blessing our lives are, how beautiful they become through being lived, and how fitting it is to thank God by living life well for Him. Have a great Lent everyone!

"Pain" in Perspective

I woke up this morning and knew instantly: today will be rough. As I got out of bed, my legs just ached. I had gone to bed feeling a little sore, but woke up stiff. Muscles hurt that I didn't even know existed... what did I do to myself?

Well, a few weeks ago I agreed to go to 6:30am spin class with Tessa, a wonderful student here at UMD, 2 mornings a week. Last week, the class was full, so yesterday was my first day. It was a shocking reality check about how out of shape I am, but also a reminder of my 4 years biking in the NDSU vs. UND Newman bike race. I figured a one hour class wouldn't be too terrible compared to those 40 mile races in the North Dakota wind... false.

bison courts bike race crew 2011

So this morning, here I am just aching every time I move, convinced that if my muscles could talk, they would be screaming. All morning, it was somewhat consuming my thoughts... and I was complaining about it to almost anyone who inquired as to how I was doing. Wimp? yes.

However, today happens to be the day when the Church remembers St. Paul Miki and his companions, men who were martyred for the faith in Japan in 1597. At noon Mass at Newman, Fr. Mike gives this awesome homily about a quote from St. Paul Miki:

"The only reason for my being killed is that I have taught the doctrine of Christ. I thank God it is for this reason that I die...After Christ's example, I forgive my persecutors. I do not hate them. I ask God to have pity on all, and I hope my blood will fall on my fellow men as fruitful rain." 

Fr. Mike shared how sometimes we want our way so badly that we can't recognize a bigger purpose. We get focused on ourselves and stop there. As he spoke, I just knew that this was God's way of telling me that I really don't have it that bad. For one, this initial pain of getting in shape will get better. It's not like I can't move at all. And, it is a wonderful opportunity to embrace my mom's "offer it up" motto.

Now that I have been given this needed reality check, my "pain" (which is really just aching, still muscles) is in perspective. It's been 3 hours since Mass, but I've been doing my best to not complain. Sure, my legs still ache and I'm sure tomorrow morning it will be tempting to skip spin class. But, the witness of these martyrs was the amazing reminder I needed that ultimately, Jesus is who matters. Our suffering (small aches, or heroic martyrdom) can serve a purpose bigger than me. I had decided to offer these workouts for my bible studies... so I guess those girls get a prayer every time I feel this stiffness, and not just during that hour of spin class!

St. Paul Miki and companions, pray for us!