I thought "Pause", but God thought "Fullness of Life"

Last week, I started my day with a walk and a rosary. This has been one of my favorite ways to start off my summer days, but last Thursday was different. Thursday was the day that I turned 26. Before graduating college, I often thought my life would look quite a bit different by this point in time. I planned to start my career and hopefully Vocation right away. By 26, I wanted to be settled into my teaching job, married with a growing family, with life on track to be pretty awesome. 

As many of you know, this is not exactly where I am at age 26. Rather than settled into my job, I'm just starting year two (which as a teacher is still a huge time of learning and figuring things out). While I am married, Devin and I are still "newlyweds" and baby number one is due to arrive around Thanksgiving. The cause of this change from the original "track" I thought my life was on... God's plan won out. His plan was not a job and Vocation right out of college, but rather an amazing adventure as a missionary. 

When I was discerning FOCUS during my senior year at NDSU, I remember sometimes feeling like saying yes and giving 2 years of my life to the mission would be putting my life and dreams and plans on pause. Now, 3 1/2 years after making that decision to follow God's plan instead of mine, I more fully see that FOCUS was in no way a pause, but rather an opportunity to live life more fully. I can't imagine my life in any other way. Instead of worrying about what I would have to wait for or give up by not having my Vocation and career right away, I am able now to see all that I have gained. During that birthday morning rosary, I realized that I am not "already 26", I am "only 26" with a lot of incredible life lived (and of course, many incredible things to come). 

If I hadn't allowed God to change my plans, I would not be the person I am today and I would not have had the incredible opportunities that I have had. Here are a few ways that FOCUS didn't pause my life, but rather made it all the more wonderful: 

1. Getting outside my comfort zone - from finally moving out of my hometown, to spending 2 weeks in Guyana on mission, my time with FOCUS really taught me how to step outside what was familiar and comfortable. Now I know that I am not back in Fargo because I can't thrive elsewhere, but rather that I am here because God wants me here - it's not just a default. 

2. Learning to truly trust - between fundraising my full salary and going on a year long dating fast while most of my peers were getting married and having babies, my trust in God was challenged and grew in many ways. Now, whenever I catch myself having doubts about the future, I have these experiences to fall back on and prove to me that I can trust God's plan. 

3. Being ready for marriage - God knew that I needed more time to be ready for my vocation, and He saw that good that would come from how that extra time would allow my friendship with Devin to blossom into an incredible love story. We both were ready when the timing was right, and now we get to experience an incredible life together! 

4. Landing my dream job - teaching math at my former Catholic school was always the dream, but the reality in spring 2012 as I finished college was that they didn't need a math teacher yet. 2 years later as I moved back from Duluth, my job at Sullivan was open and ready! Not only that, but having a couple more years under my belt helps give a bit more of an age buffer between me and my students - not such a bad thing with challenging middle school classroom management situations. 

Of course, I could probably share many more ways that God has shown me that He has never put my life on pause, but I have a few other projects to get to yet today. John 10:10 is so true - "I came that they might have life, and have it to the full." God's plan added fullness to my life, not just in the moments I had as a missionary, but also in the present as a wife, mom to be, and teacher. The message I hope this helps to share is that God always knows what He is doing, and saying Yes to Him might change the plans you had, but only for the better. For all you college students and high school students in particular... ask God what His timeline is for you and don't be afraid to do something different if that's where He calls you, He always knows best :)

Source of Energy

It's been a while since this blog has seen any posts, but lately I've just felt like it's something I should get back to. So, here are some thoughts on what the past 2 days of Gospels have been teaching me about being a teacher.

In yesterday's Gospel, Jesus has just found out about the death of John the Baptist, yet when He tries to get some time to grieve, the crowds keep following Him. Jesus sees the need these people have for Him and ministers to them. This even leads to one of His most well-known miracles - the multiplication of loaves and fish to feed over 5,000 people!

As the story continues in today's Gospel, Jesus takes time by Himself to pray... and then goes and saves His disciples from a storm, while also rescuing Peter when his fear gets the best of him. I think the most important moment in these two stories is the bridge that connects them - Jesus's time in prayer.

While Jesus is the Son of God, His time reconnecting with the Father is still something He takes time for and is where I believe His strength to reach out to crowds of needy thousands and doubtful Peters comes from. As I first started thinking about these stories and how they could apply to my life, I realized that as a teacher, there are times where I might need some personal time, or might tire from having to help the same students over and over again. But, like Jesus, I'm called to give of myself and strive to minister to their needs. This sometimes seems like a daunting task. In fact, what makes me a little nervous about school starting up again isn't the lesson plans or knowing the math I'm supposed to teach - I'm nervous about having enough energy to teach in the way my students need!

What I can learn from Jesus is that my strength needs to come from where His strength came from - time in prayer. My fear of being not having energy should be what leads me to give time to Jesus. Not only will He help me to teach and help my students, but He will also help me to still have energy left to spend time with my husband and prepare for our son to arrive! I know that if I make prayer a priority, Jesus will help me to teach as He taught, especially when it comes to giving of myself when it may seen most difficult.

"They Have No Wine" - a reflection on Cana

Last week, the craziness of the last month before wedding day caught up with me. It took until Thursday, but I finally began to try to get my list and thoughts organized and actually do something about what needed to be done, rather than just worry about it all. In the chapel that morning, I began to pray a decade of the rosary. As it was Thursday, I began to think through the possible Luminous mysteries - The Wedding at Cana - yep, sounds like a good one to pray with.

Within moments, my prayer became something more than just a morning rosary. Mary's words instantly struck me: "They have no wine." Mary was at the wedding at Cana and she took care of the bride and groom with the help of her Son. So too, she told me, she will take care of mine and Devin's wedding, if only we continue to invite her and her son Jesus into our wedding preparation and day.

As I sat in the chapel pew, I could feel my heart rest and peace fill my soul. Everything will be ok. Regardless of all that is left to do, our wedding day will be amazing. Mary and Jesus want Devin and I to have an amazing day. Plus, as my mom has reminded me, what is most important is the marriage that follows. The details can add to the celebration, but our marriage does not depend on them.

Over the past few days, Mary's words continue to repeat themselves in my mind and heart. "They have no wine..." No matter what comes, if we keep Him involved with our wedding and marriage, everything will be just the way God intends. And since this realization, I have been more productive with wedding plans and details, more organized with the lists of what's to come, than I was the whole week prior. I know my heavenly Mother and her Son are with us in these final days of planning, will be with us as we say our vows, and in our home for the rest of our lives.

The power of a decade of the rosary is an incredible thing!

4 Weeks and Counting

27 days til I'm a mrs. It feels like just yesterday that our wedding seemed like an eternity away and I had so much time to prepare and plan. Now, I'm starting to feel the scramble of putting all the pretty details from my Pinterest board into action. Not to mention that we are already in the 2nd half of quarter 2 at school and I'm constantly finding new projects, activities, and learning to add into my 7th grade classroom.

Through the midst of it all though, sometimes I just can't help but smile at the source of all this craziness - God has really outdone Himself in giving me an amazing man to marry, incredible families to support us, and my dream job at age 25 - teaching and coaching within a Catholic school. It is the recognition of the blessing that is helping me to remain calm and continue to plan, prepare, and pray.

As our wedding date draws closer, I have decided that it's a good time to get back to sharing God's graces. Consider this blog as a way of sharing the last weeks of life as I know it. This includes not just getting married, but also finishing the 1st half of my first year as a teacher - so be prepared for a look at what exactly goes on in my crazy math classroom full of 7th graders.

As we begin this Advent, I invite you to strive to see the craziness of your life as a blessing too. Often, we can get so caught up in the day-to-day hectic, busy lifestyle we have that we can lose sight of all the good that God is doing. As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, let us ask for the grace to see God's gifts for what they are - gifts of Love.

Be Happy

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. There's a few factors contributing to that. Part of it was not knowing what to share now that my missionary days are over, Part was just not having time in the midst of starting my teaching and coaching career. But I think another part of it was needing to first figure out what exactly God is doing in my life right now.

Transitions have never been easy for me, and even one as exciting as being engaged, moving home to Fargo, and beginning my dream job of teaching and coaching at a Catholic school, has been a little difficult. Most of that is my fault. Instead of letting myself be happy, I gave in to stress over the silliest things. Most of it was self-inflicted, unrealistic expectations for myself. Some of it was also because I failed to make room for God each day. Prayer the past two months has been something to check off my daily list, rather than much-needed time with the Creator of my heart. Thankfully, that's all changing now.

Everything begin to fall into place about two weeks ago. After another stressed out moment talking to Devin, he looked me in the eyes and said that the solution to my stress was very simple. Just take a deep breath and say "be happy" and smile. At first it seemed so silly, I mean there is just too much going on... how could just telling myself to "be happy" actually help? Despite my doubt, I decided to try it. After all, Devin is one of the happiest, most patient people I know. If this is what he does then maybe it will work. And it did!

The facts of my life have not changed: I still am a first year teacher, coaching volleyball, and planning a wedding. But now I'm starting to see all of these roles as blessings rather than stressors. I am a first year teacher - teaching math to 85 incredible 7th graders. I get to pray with them every day, along with being a math nerd. I am a volleyball coach - and I love being on the court and encouraging my team. I am planning a wedding - to the man I am convinced was put on this earth to get me to Heaven. It's pretty hard not to smile and just thank God constantly when I put on the "be happy" lens to my life.

As these blessings began to be more apparent, I also realized that God deserves more time in my life, even if I'm no longer a missionary. Tomorrow, I renew my consecration to Mary. With that, I'm also making a new, fresh commitment to my spiritual life. I won't share all the details here, but let's just say my 15 minutes of prayer will be stretched to more and Scripture and the rosary are back in my day - everyday. I'm done using being "busy" as an excuse not to become holy. I can't live out my Vocation to marriage and vocation to teaching without Jesus' help. And He is right there waiting for me..... every minute of every day.

To those of you who feel overwhelmed by what God is asking of you... take a deep breath... be happy... and smile.

The Peace Only Jesus Can Give

Today was a great reminder of why I need to spend time in Adoration whenever possible. I entered the beautiful Adoration chapel at my home parish with my mind racing today. Lately, I have been feeling the approach of the upcoming school year quite acutely and have been wondering how I will ever be ready when my students show up on August 21st. Add in finishing my online class, teaching Vacation Bible School, and planning a wedding and life just seems overwhelming! I spent the first part of my prayer simply distracted. Finally, I gave up my attempt at meditating on today's Gospel and opened my current prayer-time read: a book compiling various reflections on the saints from Pope Benedict XVI.

After reading what he had to say about St. Joseph and Mary's fiat at the Annunciation, a theme was beginning to develop.... simply do the task that God has given you. After all, that is what Mary and her spouse Joseph did to become saints... they simply and humbly did what God asked ("Be it done unto me according to your word.") As I came to this recognition, I noticed a deep peace fill my soul and a strange new confidence fill me... I'm going to be ready.

This summer has been one big lesson in letting God prepare me for the roles He has planned for me. Every day presents new challenges and opportunities to grow as a future teacher and wife. I am thrilled to begin my teaching career, and even more excited to begin my marriage to Devin. God has called me to these great roles... and He just needs a simple yes. He does all the rest. With Him, I know that I will be ready when those seventh graders show up in just a few weeks. And I know that everything will fall into place to make our wedding day a beautiful one. God won't have it any other way.

It's amazing what that prayer time did for my attitude. I headed off to Caribou (or as my mom would say, my office) this afternoon and was incredibly productive. My online class is no longer causing me stress. Preparing for school will be a breeze thanks to Pinterest (I don't know how teachers could do it otherwise). Once my confidence in my call to teach was lit, the ideas, hopes, and dreams for the year came faster than I could write them.

I know that there will be times when the world will shake my peace a little. But at least I know how to find it again - by simply saying yes to Jesus's invitation to just sit with Him. After all.... He has waited over 2000 years in the Eucharist just for me to be able to visit Him there.

He Hears Me... Literally

Last week, I was running a little late to get to 5:15 mass after a day of babysitting. I had decided to return some library books, and found myself crunched on time in rush-hour traffic (yes... Fargo, ND has a rush hour). As I waited at yet another red light, I prayed: "Jesus, please help me be on time for Mass." The minutes continued to tick by as I approached each block closer to St. Anthony's. As I took my last turn, I again glanced at the clock: 5:13. And then I smiled. I would get there... literally on time. "Ok, Lord, a little early would also have worked.." I parked my car and got into the Church, joining Devin in the pew as the priest entered. Jesus got me there on time... with a literal answer to my quick prayer.

It's funny because just earlier that day I was reading the daily Gospel and marveling at the disbelief of Jesus' apostles. The Gospel was Matthew 8:23-27, where Jesus calms the storm at sea. The apostles wake Him in the midst of the storm: "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" And then, just a few verses later, after Jesus has done what they asked, they are "amazed" and say: "What sort of man is this, whom even the winds and the sea obey?" Um... hello apostles... you're the ones who woke Jesus and asked Him to save you... why are you so surprised that He was able to do what you asked?

I think that sometimes we are like the apostles. We ask God for something in prayer and then, when He does just what we asked, we are confused. How did He do that? We, like the apostles, have "little faith." We pray, but we don't actually believe that God hears us or will actually respond. But if God truly loves us as His children... why wouldn't He? And if God is really all-powerful, why do we doubt His ability to intervene?

In addition to sometimes being surprised that God actually hears and answers us, I think we can also fall into the trap of letting our little faith prevent us from ever even asking for what we consider to be impossible. Whether it's for the conversion or healing of someone we love, or something as small as God sending us the song we need while using our iPod on a run, we don't ask for things because we don't really believe that God could do that. 

Lately, I've been trying to expand my faith and trust that "with God, all things are possible." I've been praying for what others may declare to be impossible, knowing that God might have a different way to answer my prayer than I expect, but placing my desire for these miracles in His hands anyway. Regardless of the outcome, I can already see that praying in this way is increasing my faith and God has already responded to these prayers in some big ways, more than just maneuvering traffic so I get to Mass on time. I invite you to do the same, right now. Ask God for something that you consider out of His hands, or too big for Him. And then be at peace, knowing that He will answer your prayer in the way (and time) that He knows is best.

A Job isn't Everything

After two months of not blogging, I realized I truly do have some graces to share with my blog followers. The past couple months have been busy... finishing up my mission in Duluth, saying goodbye and filling boxes for the move, settling in to my new place in Fargo, teaching summer school, and wedding planning. Now that my summer has truly started, it's incredible what God is revealing to me about the purpose of this transition in my life.

Everything I have learned in prayer and through life recently can be summed up in: I don't need a job in FOCUS to be a saint. For the past 6 years, my life as a student missionary and then campus missionary were how I lived out my call to holiness. I learned a lot through the mentors, friends, teammates, and students I spent time with. My schedule, especially the past two years, was structured around a daily holy hour and mass. Part of my fears in leaving FOCUS were not knowing what my prayer and apostolate would look like without that structure. But the truth is, that time was training ground for this... the rest of my life.

So what has being launched been like?

Well, after a few weeks of struggling to find the balance, I finally am back to making time for Jesus everyday. It's not quite as structured, but the past few days I have been blessed to spend time in Adoration... just talking to Jesus about the woman He is calling me to be. Not the missionary, or team director, or teacher He wants me to be... just who He wants me to be. What does He want me to focus on now? What purpose does this summer without a job have?

Virtue. Pursuing virtue. Not because of my "job", but because I'm called to be a saint. The job I have doesn't define me or give me worth (which is good, as I'm unemployed until August). Rather, my worth comes from being God's daughter. And that is what He wants me to be this summer. It's refreshing to have the simplicity of truly taking it all one day at a time.

So what is my plan for the next two months? Well, I'm going to plan my days around Adoration and Mass. Spend time getting ready to teach seventh grade math this upcoming school year. Do some continuing education. Spend time with my family. And prepare to marry my best friend in just six months. Most importantly, I'm just going to live... right here, in these days that God has given me to learn that my holiness isn't dependent on my job, but rather on the choices I make each moment, for or against His plan for my life.

An Encouraging Adventure in the Snow

Living in Duluth and being a FOCUS missionary has provided me with opportunities for many firsts - and many amazing friends. Last night was a prime example.

Instead of our usual one hour bible study, four ladies from my athletes bible study and I decided to brave Duluth's April snow storm and go to the movie "God's Not Dead." It was so worth it! The movie is inspired by college students who have fought for the right to practice and profess their faith on campus - and tells the story of a college freshman who refuses to sign his name to the statement "God is dead" in an introductory philosophy course taught by an atheist professor. What ensues is a challenge to convince the rest of his class to also believe that "God is Not Dead". I'm pretty sure all five of us walked away encouraged to boldly live our faith in Jesus too.
(for more watch the trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Z7f5-jZlzs)

After the movie, we proceeded back up to campus, with Monica driving. For those of you who know Duluth, you probably know that even the littlest snow can make 21st Ave pretty icy. Well, about 2 blocks up, Monica's car decided that it couldn't make it any further on its own. Rather than go back down and find an alternative route, Maddie, Jenna, Allison, and I pile out of the car and push uphill. It was so encouraging to just experience the joy of working together and achieving a goal. No one complained, no one was discouraged. We all just knew that a little teamwork would get the car rolling. Sure enough, we pushed the car up with ease, piled back in, and drove to campus.

These adventures, and the friends I get to have them with, are definitely a huge part of what I love about being a missionary here at UMD!!

Have a great Triduum everyone!

What Comes First.... Waiting is Worth it

For the past week and a half, my life has felt slightly like a dream. I'm still not entirely convinced I'm not dreaming. But then I look at my left hand.... and I know it's true.... I'm going to marry my best friend.

On April 5, Devin asked me to be his wife - and I said yes! I would have been crazy not to. Here is an amazing, virtuous, loving man who makes me a better person each and every day. This incredible man has stood by me through the ups and downs of the craziness of this year, learning how to be team director, going on mission to Guyana, and continuing to learn how to be a missionary. And now, there's actually a count on how many days are left before we become one in the sacrament of marriage. There is no doubt in my mind that marrying Devin will allow me to be a saint, help him to become one too, and raise kids to be disciples of Jesus. 

What I have learned most in these 10 days of being engaged though is how worth it waiting is and how trusting God and His timing has been so good. Let me explain some priorities:

Love Jesus First, then Devin  I used to wish and wish for my future spouse, but now I see how important it was that I learned to love and be loved by Jesus first. As amazing as Devin is, he can't always be here and there are still times I must rely on Jesus. Jesus also has taught me how to let myself be loved, which I know has helped me to open my heart to Devin in ways I never could have before. Plus, Jesus teaches me how to love Devin... and I want to love him the best that I can. 

Friendship First, then Dating  Devin and I met 3 1/2 years ago, but didn't start dating until last May. Waiting for God's perfect timing was so good - because we built an amazing friendship before God finally knocked some sense into us that we should probably date. This friendship has been the foundation of all the romance, and has made it that much better. I love being able to say that I'm going to marry my best friend. 

Ring First, then Pinterest  That's right. Despite my love of Pinterest, I haven't ever had a wedding board. And I'm so glad! Because now, Devin and I can plan OUR dream wedding rather than mine. I'm not saying it's bad to have a wedding board before your ring, but for me, it has made the excitement of wedding planning so much more because everything is new and can be planned for US. Although... I'm starting a board right after I publish this post, because let's be real... now I do have a wedding to plan!

Wedding First, then Marriage  This one might take a little more explanation. My uncle, Fr. Austin, said at my cousin's wedding that if you aren't married, don't live like you are. Well, that's what Devin and I are doing. Although we know that soon we will be married, we are waiting until that day to act like we are. Put bluntly, we aren't living together or sleeping together til we say "I do". Not only do the facts show that 9 out of 10 couples who move in together don't make it in the long run, but we also know that it would be a lie to live in a way that isn't actually an accurate portrayal of the reality. We aren't married yet, so we aren't acting like it yet. 

Finally, I just want to encourage anyone reading this post that God really does want you to be happy. I used to wonder... like if God really wanted me to be happy, where was this amazing man he supposedly has for me? Well the truth was, for a couple years of college he was right in the apartment above me.... but it wasn't time yet. God knew my true happiness could only take place if I would wait... and Devin would wait... and then when we were both ready, He could show us how to love Him through one another. God doesn't ask us to wait because He wants us to suffer, He wants us to wait so we can have fullness of joy, not just fleeting. 

Please pray for Devin and I as we prepare for marriage!

the night we got engaged

More Real than I Ever Realized

As someone who grew up Catholic, I've attended thousands of Masses in my 24 1/2 years of life. I've even been to Mass in other countries and languages. Since my freshman year of college, I've been a pretty faithful daily mass goer, with my current role as a full-time missionary easily allowing time for this every day. Yet, it was yesterday at Mass that it all became very real.

I think one of the potential pitfalls of loving to read about the Catholic faith is that it can sometimes seem too good to be true, like a really good story.... and end there. I've read the Bible, the Catechism, and countless books about the saints, evangelization, Church teaching, and sacraments. Even a few books on the Mass. But I think when I read about how the Mass is Heaven on Earth, or how it is our participation in the worship God receives from saints and angels in Heaven, I thought: "well that's real nice." I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in this either... I've met students and talked to people whose experience of Mass just isn't what these books made it out to be. And so I thought "hm... if only this were true."

Now, I'm not saying I've never had a good experience at Mass or that God has never given me any grace from Mass. But, this Sunday everything felt real in a way I can't remember ever experiencing before. As I heard the first reading proclaimed, I truly felt part of a family, a group of believers, coming together to listen to God's word - not just be talked at. I was filled with an awe of the Eucharist that I have sometimes experienced, but was combined with deep gratitude and a feeling of unworthiness to receive Jesus' Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity into my own body. And overall, a deep joy flooded my heart. All that I have read is actually true and I don't need to think "if only..."!

Not only has my appreciation and understanding of the reality of the Mass been radically transformed by yesterday morning, but so has my approach to reading about the faith. As I read my current book (Evangelical Catholicism - George Weigel) while on the elliptical today, I realized that he is talking about a real Church, with real people, and a real mission. No longer is reading simply reading, it's a deepening of my understanding of reality. My faith in Jesus is real, and it makes a difference. The Catholic faith that I believe is real - and not just for me, but for the world. It is the truth, not a truth, and one that the world desperately needs. Rather than approaching mission as sharing how Jesus has transformed my life (which I will still do), I feel like now I can more fully share with people that Jesus can and will transform their life for the better as well.

To those of you reading this, I encourage you to ask God for the grace to see your faith in Him in a real and tangible way this week. Maybe it will be through the beauty of creation or through the love of another person. Maybe it will be experiencing the Mass or Confession as the instruments of God's grace that they are. I pray that you will be able to know the reality of God's love for you - and live your life in a way that invites others to know His love for them.

How Guyana transformed my Ash Wednesday

It has been seven months now since my mission trip to Guyana last summer. In some ways, I had been assuming that I had realized all the fruits of those two weeks on mission. Yet, all that changed this past Wednesday as we as a Church began Lent 2014.

I like food. And snacking. And my daily coffee. So you can imagine that fasting isn't exactly something I approach with a smile. I fully understand the point - letting ourselves hurt a little physically and participate in Jesus' sufferings - but it's just hard! It seems that the days I fast are the days my body wants food and coffee most! So I woke up Wednesday thinking, alright... here we go... just gotta make it til bedtime. or midnight.

On Ash Wednesday, Catholics abstain from meat and take part in a fast of no snacking and significantly smaller meals. So, I went about my day with minimal food, no snacks, and no coffee (that last part is all Lent... 40 days with no coffee...). Yet, as the day went on, I realized something amazing... I was still functioning and even smiling! Most of the day, I didn't even notice that I was eating significantly less than a typical day. What changed?!?

My heart. That's what. And my ability to be outside my comfort zone physically. I know this is from Guyana. In Guyana, I was drastically outside my comfort zone. The hot, humid climate. No communication with home. Cold, quick showers. Sleeping under a mosquito net, constantly applying sunscreen and bug spray. Long days, lots of walking. Throughout the trip, I struggled to move past the physical discomforts and embrace them for the mission. I was frustrated with myself for being stuck on all this, rather than loving and embracing it all as a sacrifice. Even in the days and weeks following my return to AC, hot showers, and American food, I still wondered why I had been so distracted by the physical discomfort of being on mission. Now, I get it.

It has taken all of these seven months, but now I'm able to see that God used those two weeks of extreme physical discomfort to show me that those things don't matter, and that I need to let go. In reflecting more, I realized that I rarely take long showers anymore, and I don't snack much either. Ash Wednesday was easier because in a sense, it was nothing compared to my mission trip. Especially our travel there, running on about 2 hours of sleep in 48 hours. I hope that particular hardship starts helping me survive without coffee soon... or this might be a bit of a tired Lent.

I'm no longer frustrated about the "distraction" of physical discomfort I experienced throughout my time in Guyana. I see now that it was a lifelong lesson God wanted to teach me, and I'm very thankful that now I can be a better witness to the beauty of fasting for Him. The delayed realization of this grace has also revealed that I should never assume that God is done teaching me lessons from any experience... He loves to surprise me.

May you all have a most blessed Lent!

Joyful Minions

The title of this post might have you a little curious... but it's all about discipleship. Just read on, the minions will make sense soon.

Possibly the biggest role I have as a FOCUS missionary is to equip students to be student missionaries, inviting them into discipleship and building them up to be sent on mission while students, but ultimately for the rest of their lives on this earth. This semester, I am blessed to disciple five amazing women. This means that each week, I get to spend an hour with each of them, talking about how their prayer life is, setting goals, and discussing struggles and successes they have in reaching women in their lives and bible studies. It is another of my favorite parts of each week.

Community is important and I realized a couple weeks ago that even though I get to spend time each week with these five ladies, rarely do they all get to be together due to busy work, school, and bible study schedules. So I sent a doodle poll (best tool ever for scheduling) and found a time that worked. 9pm. Thursday. Alright let's do it. I confirmed with everyone and asked them to set aside that time last week, and bought Minion (Despicable Me) graham crackers..... not even knowing what would happen.

As my bible study finished and all the disciples arrived, we popped open the box of minions for a snack. As we did, we realize that there are six minions named on the box... and six of us. We quickly proceed to each choose a minion and then joke about which is which. I cannot put into words the incredible laughter and joy surrounding this... and all over minion crackers. We had some good time sharing our work as missionaries and getting to know one another.... but the lasting impression of the night was joy.

As I thought more about the evening, I realized that the joy comes from each of us choosing daily to be a disciple of Christ. There's even a connection to the movie these minions come from... hear me out. In Despicable Me, the minions follow their leader (Gru) and do whatever he asks. They trust him and have lots of fun together. And they are always joyful (and hilarious). So too with disciples of Jesus. When we can trust Him and do as He says, we too can experience the joy of working for a greater cause than ourselves, together. The minions never work alone, they are always in small groups. So too with us, we must stick together in our cause to help Jesus win back the world. Rather than getting to steal the moon.... we hope to obtain eternal life. I am so thankful that I get to help these five women in their walk of discipleship. Thank you, ladies, for saying yes to Jesus!

back: Monica, Teia, Kayla
front: me, Kayla, Shannon

the minion list

bulldogCatholic week

Last week was awesome. crazy. exhausting. inspiring. busy. grace-filled. Many adjectives would work to describe how the first bulldogCatholic week was... it was just that incredible. It will be hard to do the week justice in a post, but I'm going to try to just share some of my experience from a missionary standpoint.

First of all, I did not realize how much work goes into planning a Catholic week. When I was a student at NDSU, I helped with our first bisonCatholic week - but I owe the missionaries a big thank you because wow is there a lot to juggle. Thankfully, my amazing teammate Mat and a group of 4 students did all the promotion. Plus, I had a great group of 4 students to help with the many logistics of room reservations, set up, tear down, and everything in between.

The excitement began the Thursday before it all started when Shannon and I went barehanding. Essentially, barehanding is all about just walking up to someone you don't know and talking to them about faith. With the upcoming week, our opening line was easier than usual: "hey, have you heard about bulldogCatholic week and the debate?" After a few invitations that weren't super welcomed, we tried another students. Let's call her "L". L seemed very interested in what we had to say, and shared that she was Christian and striving to have a relationship with Jesus, but not really involved in formal campus ministry events. Shannon instantly knew what to do and invited her to join her bible study! The girls exchanged numbers and we went on our way. The next week, Shannon came up to me on Monday after her bible study. "L came to study! And she's coming to the debate tonight!" Sure enough, L was there at the debate with Shannon and her friends that evening. I can't wait to see what the semester has in store for her.

Speaking of the debate, we hosted one! Last Monday, we invited a Catholic philosopher and an atheist philosopher to discuss the rationality of Christianity and take some Q&A. I was really nervous about what kind of attendance we would have..... and then the lecture hall started to fill. and fill. and fill. until about 330 people filled Boh90! Needless to say, I'm learning not to worry so much about how things will turn out.

We also had Australian native Matt Fradd come to Duluth. I had the honor of being his chauffeur while he was here and it was so fun to talk with him about his ministry and share the state of our campus ministry with him. About 175 students came to his talk on Tuesday, which was awesome. It was great to see so many people there, including quite a few members of my athletes' bible study!!

Overall, what was most inspiring to me was how much ownership of the week the student missionaries took! They really rose to the challenge of filling the events and promoting them, taking shifts at our booth on campus and helping hang posters throughout the week. It was great to see them being bold as Catholic leaders on the campus. Below is a picture of one of my disciples, Kayla, and I at the Ask a Catholic booth:

I'm excited to continue to ride the momentum created by all the events last week and really dive in to bible study and discipleship more. My Thursday bible study is going to begin a new series about Who Jesus Is. I'm excited to put the study together just for them and hopefully help them grow in their ability to pray and know Christ!

Until my next blog...

Why I love Leading my Athlete's Bible Study

Last year, God had placed it on my heart to try starting an all-athlete women's bible study at UMD. At first, it was a little rough to meet athletes and have them be committed to coming to bible study. But I was convinced that God wanted me to do it - so I stuck with it. Today, I am thankful that I did. I wanted to just share the graces that are why I love leading this bible study, especially after a fantastic study on trust last night:

1. The Women: are amazing! I have been blessed now to have 2 volleyball women, 4 basketball, and 2 track join my study. These women inspire me. They not only pursue excellence in their sport and academics, but also in bible study. Their openness in sharing their struggles and successes in following Christ is amazing and their dedication and appreciation of bible study is truly inspiring. I am so thankful for having met each one of them. 

2. The Prayer: This semester, we are taking 10 minutes each week to pray with Scripture as a part of study. Not only does God teach me something amazing, but He also is truly at work in the minds and hearts of each woman present. I love hearing what they have been inspired with. Last night, we even started having the ladies take turns closing in prayer! I'm excited for them to grow in their confidence in prayer with others and leading others to Christ. 

3. The Games: Part of leading these women is also watching them compete - and I love it! I've always loved sports, and knowing these ladies gives me a reason to not just be a Bulldogs fan, but to support and encourage the athletes I know. I will gladly support them in the stands at as many home games as I can and love them win or lose. 

4. The Trust: Through the rough start last fall with this study, God has taught me to trust Him. Additionally, last night during our prayer time at bible study, I realized I still have a long road ahead of learning this trust. While meditating on Matthew 6:25-34, I realized I often have a mindset of a non-believer, rather than truly letting my trust in God's love be my default reaction to stressors in life. It was a great wake-up call to continue to trust more.

5. The Humility: Through our discussions, I'm constantly humbled because these women teach me so much - and I'm supposedly the leader! It is refreshing to remember that just because I plan Bible study and communicate plans to everyone, I still can learn a lot from each of these women. Sometimes I think I'm learning more than they are! 

I am so thankful for these women, their love of Christ, and their willingness to carve out an hour each week to spend a little time with me growing as sisters in Christ together. Wednesday nights are definitely a highlight of my week and I hope this post encourages other leaders to view their bible studies with deep gratitude and joy as well. 

Can't Save Them All

I don't always realize how random the moments God sometimes uses to talk to me are. Having a relationship with Him is unique because, as long as you're listening, He can talk to you at any moment of your day. I have been trying to improve my awareness of His presence with me throughout the day this semester, and so far it is still a work in progress. But last week, He spoke really clearly.

Jesus is the love of my life. He has captivated me, heart mind and soul. And I want nothing more than to help everyone know His love for them. As a missionary at UMD the past year and a half, God has developed within me a heart for His children here on this campus. It's a great gift to motivate me and encourage me, especially when I'm tired and a little stressed. Sometimes though, it is also frustrating. I look at the fruit that has come through our team these past semesters and think, there are still so many more! Only 150ish students in bible study, 300-350 at Mass on Sunday.... for someone who likes to check things off a list, it's hard sometimes to realize that this campus is still a long way from fully belonging to Jesus. What more can I do?

Well, last week, I was walking through the main hallway on my way back to Newman after some meetings at the coffee shop. And I was getting a little discouraged at how many students passed me that I do not know. Then God spoke: "Kristen, you can't save them all. Only I can. All I'm asking of you is to make a difference for a few, who will do the same for others... until they all know me." My response: "That's it?"

See, sometimes I think in our pride, we want to be the savior. We are not. Jesus is. Only He can save those around us. Sometimes we try to take on more than we are capable of and think God is asking the impossible of us. We think "I can't do all this... I'm going to fail at what He is asking." But the amazing thing about how spiritual multiplication works is that if I do what He has asks of me and invest in the disciples He has given me and then women in my two bible studies, then hopefully they will also reach some of the women on campus. And over time, all UMD women will meet Jesus. That's all I can pray for. That's all God is asking. And I can do that.

This semester, my focus has shifted to this more intentional approach to my mission. I'm trying to spend most of my time investing in my team, disciples, and bible studies through prayer and personal relationships. Because God is so right, I can't save them all. But if His Church here at UMD simply does what He is asking, we can allow Him to work through us. And someday I know this campus will be His.

Saint in Progress

As I finished yesterday's blog, I mentioned that my story of sainthood is still being written. That's what I want to share today because it was another huge grace of my time in Dallas last week. I'm a checklist kinda girl... make a list, complete an item, check it off. Loose ends and no plan... that just doesn't have a place in my life.

I realized last week though, that I can't treat my story of sainthood that way. My life is still in progress... and my work of holiness will not be complete until I die. I may have a testimony, but it's one without an ending just yet. Unlike other things though, I am realizing that it is a good thing my story is still being written... because I'm still working on being the virtuous saint that God made me to be.

I think before last week, I treated my relationship with Jesus like it was complete, perfect, needing no change. The truth is, even though Jesus had won me back through my prayer life junior year at NDSU, He is still winning my heart. Every day, He wants to be there. He isn't a person we interact with just once and have our life changed and go on our way. Meeting Jesus is like meeting your spouse... once they are in your life, they are there forever, every single day.

Understanding this a little better has given me a strange peace that I usually don't have when a big task is "in progress." I think it is because it helps me to just learn to live in the moment and to constantly ask "how is Jesus forming me into a saint today?" Little daily steps like that make becoming holy seem a bit more attainable. Plus, if my story isn't over, than I can accept my failures and appreciate going to Confession so much more. I don't have to settle with where I am at now, I can keep learning and growing, moving ever closer to my goal of eternal life with God. Maybe a checklist isn't always the best way to live life!

Sometimes it's good to Retreat

Two months since my last post.... and finally time to share some thoughts. The truth is, with how busy Thanksgiving, Advent, and Christmas were, I just did not have time to even come up with a blog post... let alone write one. But over the past week, several ideas have come to me... which I'm planning to share, one at a time, during this last week of my Christmas break. And so, the first blog of 2014!

The end of the semester was busy. So was my entire fall. So was summer... so is life I guess. Until last week, I was living life at a sprinting pace, but I didn't know it. Sure, I'd take some occasional breaks to spend time with family or Devin, I (most days) spent an hour in the chapel and went to Mass. Yet despite these "breaks", I was sprinting through life without any knowledge of it. I noticed how fast the year was going, but just figured that's what it's like when you get to be 24. Then Jesus spoke.

Last week, I was blessed to attend FOCUS' Student Leadership Summit in Dallas, TX. We had a great group of 17 UMD students join us and it was fun to spend time with them. On the 3rd night (Sunday Jan 5) we had some time of Adoration. I entered the ballroom and knelt down with my campus group. The lighting of Jesus in the Monstrance was incredible. You could see the lights stream through the air to the stage. Then the band started to lead us in song. I sang along, thinking of how beautiful it all was. And then the words "I'll run til I finish the race." I lost it. Tears went down my cheeks and I couldn't sing. I just stared right at Jesus and heard Him say, "Kristen... I love you."

That's all I needed to hear... He loves me. In the midst of leading bible study, holding discipleship, directing my team, planning events, writing newsletters, Christmas shopping, playing with my sisters, and going on incredible dates with Devin... I had lost sight of my first love. My prayer life had become another scheduled task to check off on my calendar, rather than time to be refreshed and loved by Jesus. I was so caught up in my exterior work for Him, that I had neglected to care for my own soul.

I really love the idea of being a soldier for Christ. When Curtis Martin was getting ready to start FOCUS, he shared his plan with Blessed Pope John Paul II. The Pope's reply was "Be soldiers." But we who are soldiers, fighting for the Kingdom of the King, must not forget that sometimes it is good to retreat. I don't mean to retreat and give up the fight, but to retreat into the depths of our heart and make sure that the external affairs of life aren't snuffing out the flame of love that Jesus has lit within us.

Just last week, I began to read The Soul of the Apostolate. I read this book back in my junior year of college, but it is incredible how the words of the author speak right to my life now too. He emphasizes that the heart of all we do must be our interior relationship with God. We must continuously be converted and draw close to Christ if we want to share Him with others. We must be so filled with God's love that it spills out to others, while still filling us.

This last week of break includes a wonderful example of my to do lists. But with that also comes a renewed dedication to pray and read, to truly be refreshed. I can't give what I do not have. I cannot help others meet Jesus if I stop meeting with Him everyday, not just showing up in the Chapel, but truly being present there. Accepting that Jesus still has much to teach me and that I can do nothing without Him. My story is still being written... but more on that tomorrow.

Have Your Way, My King

The song "Help me Find it" (Sidewalk Prophets) has been a theme of mine this year. The line that always gets to me is in the bridge: "Have your way, my King." That's the openness of heart and life I'm trying to have. "Have your way Jesus, You are my King, and this is all for You." It is incredible what a difference it makes. I just take that line to prayer constantly... and try to make it more and more sincere every time I say it. I want to just let my life be completely abandoned to whatever Jesus wants for me. Whatever He wants to do through me and my time as a missionary.

Last week, I got to attend the regional Team Director Summit in Chicago. It was a huge blessing to spend time with other leaders within FOCUS and share our successes and struggles on campus this fall. One TD shared how she and her team spend a few moments giving each day to God, praying through their schedule for that day together. Since returning to Duluth, I've been trying to do that. Each morning, before I even leave my apartment, I just go through my schedule, praying about each appointment, task, etc. And it has completely changed my life.

My conversations have been completely transformed. Bible study and discipleship, as well as conversations with teammates and students.... they are all bearing more fruit. And not because of anything I'm doing, but because I'm finally willing to step aside and let Jesus be in control. Sure, there are still some times I am a bit nervous about truly challenging someone and miss the opportunity, but when I let Him do all the work, wow.

For example, some of the women I meet with for discipleship are just amazing me. Their vulnerability and openness to be challenged to share their faith is truly remarkable. And I'm able to see that when Jesus is steering the conversation. I also find myself being more productive, getting things accomplished in record time... hence the time to write this post.

I'm not perfect at this whole abandonment thing just yet, but the more I let myself belong to my King, the more I realize just how much God loves me and wants me to be happy. I don't have to feel overwhelmed by the many responsibilities, relationships, and roles in my life.... I can embrace them as the specific mission He has chosen for me. All in the bigger mission of His... the salvation of the entire world. And as one of our regional leaders, Dan, said last week: It is a privilege, not a burden, to be part of this greatest mission.

I hope each one of my blog readers can take that line of "have your way my King" to prayer and just see what happens.... to truly let go of our control over our lives, schedule, future.... and sincerely seek God's will alone, the role in His mission He wants us each to have.

My (Hopeful) Future Feast Day

Today's Caribou Coffee trivia question was awesome. Especially for all us Catholics. The question: What is the day after Halloween called? The answer: All Saints Day. Just another reminder of the amazing solemnity we celebrate today. And I was blessed to go to Mass twice to celebrate!

I've thought a lot about becoming a saint throughout the past few years. Ever since my relationship with Jesus really took off my junior year at NDSU, sainthood has been my goal. And I've always loved the way Fr. Mike (our UMD chaplain) blesses those who cannot receive Communion: "May God bless you and make you a saint". But last night, those words took on a whole new meaning. I attended Mass with some girls from my bible study and as Fr. Mike blessed the one in front of me in the Communion line, I got chills. As I stepped up and said "Amen" to receive Jesus, something in me changed. I realized in a profound way that I receive Jesus in the Eucharist because.... I want to be a saint. I want to be like Him. 

A real simple definition of sainthood might be helpful. Today, Fr. Mike explained it as "saying yes to God in each moment". I like that, it makes my goal of sainthood pretty simple. Just say yes to God - including when He invites me to write a blog post!

There are a couple big ways that I have noticed God is making me a saint. And honestly, I don't remember if I have blogged about them before, so my apologies if this is repeated. But perspective can always change... so here we go. 

The first way God is currently forming me into a saint is through my call to be a FOCUS missionary and, this year, team director. I truly get to build virtue everyday. Growing in my courage to share the Gospel, talking daily about my relationship with Jesus and how I live it in His Church, and being surrounded by others who encourage me in living a moral life... what an amazing job. It is definitely a gift. My Dove chocolate wrapper tonight read "love what you do" and I definitely do. My job is incredible, beautifully challenging, and uniquely rewarding. Regardless of how long I stay on staff, my time with FOCUS will forever have had an impact on the saint I'm striving to become. 

Catie - a student from last year, now a FOCUS mish!

The second way God is increasing my ability to be a saint is through my relationship with Devin. I never thought I would meet such an amazing, virtuous man. Devin treats me with so much respect and love, and truly puts my relationship with Jesus first. I love that our weekend visits include shared prayer time and that most of our conversations via Skype or FaceTime end with a prayer. Being in a relationship with such an awesome guy definitely reveals God's love for me even more. Devin loves me like Jesus does. He truly is helping me learn how to receive love and embrace being a beloved daughter of God. Long distance relationships are tough, but I'm realizing how to love... not just when it feels good, but even when it is tough. I'm also learning what a beautiful thing it is to discern marriage through dating... and let all that I have read about Theology of the Body and Love and Responsibility be a lived reality. Devin and I want eachother to be saints, and I'm so thankful to have such a great man to walk this path of sainthood with. 

Devin and I at Halloween party last weekend

At the All Saints Day mass I attended today, Fr. Mike really put today's feast in perspective. The title of this post is "My (Hopeful) Future Feast Day" because of that perspective. Today is the day that the Catholic Church celebrates all those who have lived lives worthy of eternal happiness in Heaven. Since that is what I hope to attain, then really I'm trying to live a life that someday leads me to have this as my feast day. The day when the whole Church will celebrate the way God's grace saved me from sin and death, and gave me this beautiful life of love. What a beautiful perspective to end the week!