I thought "Pause", but God thought "Fullness of Life"

Last week, I started my day with a walk and a rosary. This has been one of my favorite ways to start off my summer days, but last Thursday was different. Thursday was the day that I turned 26. Before graduating college, I often thought my life would look quite a bit different by this point in time. I planned to start my career and hopefully Vocation right away. By 26, I wanted to be settled into my teaching job, married with a growing family, with life on track to be pretty awesome. 

As many of you know, this is not exactly where I am at age 26. Rather than settled into my job, I'm just starting year two (which as a teacher is still a huge time of learning and figuring things out). While I am married, Devin and I are still "newlyweds" and baby number one is due to arrive around Thanksgiving. The cause of this change from the original "track" I thought my life was on... God's plan won out. His plan was not a job and Vocation right out of college, but rather an amazing adventure as a missionary. 

When I was discerning FOCUS during my senior year at NDSU, I remember sometimes feeling like saying yes and giving 2 years of my life to the mission would be putting my life and dreams and plans on pause. Now, 3 1/2 years after making that decision to follow God's plan instead of mine, I more fully see that FOCUS was in no way a pause, but rather an opportunity to live life more fully. I can't imagine my life in any other way. Instead of worrying about what I would have to wait for or give up by not having my Vocation and career right away, I am able now to see all that I have gained. During that birthday morning rosary, I realized that I am not "already 26", I am "only 26" with a lot of incredible life lived (and of course, many incredible things to come). 

If I hadn't allowed God to change my plans, I would not be the person I am today and I would not have had the incredible opportunities that I have had. Here are a few ways that FOCUS didn't pause my life, but rather made it all the more wonderful: 

1. Getting outside my comfort zone - from finally moving out of my hometown, to spending 2 weeks in Guyana on mission, my time with FOCUS really taught me how to step outside what was familiar and comfortable. Now I know that I am not back in Fargo because I can't thrive elsewhere, but rather that I am here because God wants me here - it's not just a default. 

2. Learning to truly trust - between fundraising my full salary and going on a year long dating fast while most of my peers were getting married and having babies, my trust in God was challenged and grew in many ways. Now, whenever I catch myself having doubts about the future, I have these experiences to fall back on and prove to me that I can trust God's plan. 

3. Being ready for marriage - God knew that I needed more time to be ready for my vocation, and He saw that good that would come from how that extra time would allow my friendship with Devin to blossom into an incredible love story. We both were ready when the timing was right, and now we get to experience an incredible life together! 

4. Landing my dream job - teaching math at my former Catholic school was always the dream, but the reality in spring 2012 as I finished college was that they didn't need a math teacher yet. 2 years later as I moved back from Duluth, my job at Sullivan was open and ready! Not only that, but having a couple more years under my belt helps give a bit more of an age buffer between me and my students - not such a bad thing with challenging middle school classroom management situations. 

Of course, I could probably share many more ways that God has shown me that He has never put my life on pause, but I have a few other projects to get to yet today. John 10:10 is so true - "I came that they might have life, and have it to the full." God's plan added fullness to my life, not just in the moments I had as a missionary, but also in the present as a wife, mom to be, and teacher. The message I hope this helps to share is that God always knows what He is doing, and saying Yes to Him might change the plans you had, but only for the better. For all you college students and high school students in particular... ask God what His timeline is for you and don't be afraid to do something different if that's where He calls you, He always knows best :)

Source of Energy

It's been a while since this blog has seen any posts, but lately I've just felt like it's something I should get back to. So, here are some thoughts on what the past 2 days of Gospels have been teaching me about being a teacher.

In yesterday's Gospel, Jesus has just found out about the death of John the Baptist, yet when He tries to get some time to grieve, the crowds keep following Him. Jesus sees the need these people have for Him and ministers to them. This even leads to one of His most well-known miracles - the multiplication of loaves and fish to feed over 5,000 people!

As the story continues in today's Gospel, Jesus takes time by Himself to pray... and then goes and saves His disciples from a storm, while also rescuing Peter when his fear gets the best of him. I think the most important moment in these two stories is the bridge that connects them - Jesus's time in prayer.

While Jesus is the Son of God, His time reconnecting with the Father is still something He takes time for and is where I believe His strength to reach out to crowds of needy thousands and doubtful Peters comes from. As I first started thinking about these stories and how they could apply to my life, I realized that as a teacher, there are times where I might need some personal time, or might tire from having to help the same students over and over again. But, like Jesus, I'm called to give of myself and strive to minister to their needs. This sometimes seems like a daunting task. In fact, what makes me a little nervous about school starting up again isn't the lesson plans or knowing the math I'm supposed to teach - I'm nervous about having enough energy to teach in the way my students need!

What I can learn from Jesus is that my strength needs to come from where His strength came from - time in prayer. My fear of being not having energy should be what leads me to give time to Jesus. Not only will He help me to teach and help my students, but He will also help me to still have energy left to spend time with my husband and prepare for our son to arrive! I know that if I make prayer a priority, Jesus will help me to teach as He taught, especially when it comes to giving of myself when it may seen most difficult.

"They Have No Wine" - a reflection on Cana

Last week, the craziness of the last month before wedding day caught up with me. It took until Thursday, but I finally began to try to get my list and thoughts organized and actually do something about what needed to be done, rather than just worry about it all. In the chapel that morning, I began to pray a decade of the rosary. As it was Thursday, I began to think through the possible Luminous mysteries - The Wedding at Cana - yep, sounds like a good one to pray with.

Within moments, my prayer became something more than just a morning rosary. Mary's words instantly struck me: "They have no wine." Mary was at the wedding at Cana and she took care of the bride and groom with the help of her Son. So too, she told me, she will take care of mine and Devin's wedding, if only we continue to invite her and her son Jesus into our wedding preparation and day.

As I sat in the chapel pew, I could feel my heart rest and peace fill my soul. Everything will be ok. Regardless of all that is left to do, our wedding day will be amazing. Mary and Jesus want Devin and I to have an amazing day. Plus, as my mom has reminded me, what is most important is the marriage that follows. The details can add to the celebration, but our marriage does not depend on them.

Over the past few days, Mary's words continue to repeat themselves in my mind and heart. "They have no wine..." No matter what comes, if we keep Him involved with our wedding and marriage, everything will be just the way God intends. And since this realization, I have been more productive with wedding plans and details, more organized with the lists of what's to come, than I was the whole week prior. I know my heavenly Mother and her Son are with us in these final days of planning, will be with us as we say our vows, and in our home for the rest of our lives.

The power of a decade of the rosary is an incredible thing!

4 Weeks and Counting

27 days til I'm a mrs. It feels like just yesterday that our wedding seemed like an eternity away and I had so much time to prepare and plan. Now, I'm starting to feel the scramble of putting all the pretty details from my Pinterest board into action. Not to mention that we are already in the 2nd half of quarter 2 at school and I'm constantly finding new projects, activities, and learning to add into my 7th grade classroom.

Through the midst of it all though, sometimes I just can't help but smile at the source of all this craziness - God has really outdone Himself in giving me an amazing man to marry, incredible families to support us, and my dream job at age 25 - teaching and coaching within a Catholic school. It is the recognition of the blessing that is helping me to remain calm and continue to plan, prepare, and pray.

As our wedding date draws closer, I have decided that it's a good time to get back to sharing God's graces. Consider this blog as a way of sharing the last weeks of life as I know it. This includes not just getting married, but also finishing the 1st half of my first year as a teacher - so be prepared for a look at what exactly goes on in my crazy math classroom full of 7th graders.

As we begin this Advent, I invite you to strive to see the craziness of your life as a blessing too. Often, we can get so caught up in the day-to-day hectic, busy lifestyle we have that we can lose sight of all the good that God is doing. As we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus, let us ask for the grace to see God's gifts for what they are - gifts of Love.

Be Happy

It's been a while since I've written on this blog. There's a few factors contributing to that. Part of it was not knowing what to share now that my missionary days are over, Part was just not having time in the midst of starting my teaching and coaching career. But I think another part of it was needing to first figure out what exactly God is doing in my life right now.

Transitions have never been easy for me, and even one as exciting as being engaged, moving home to Fargo, and beginning my dream job of teaching and coaching at a Catholic school, has been a little difficult. Most of that is my fault. Instead of letting myself be happy, I gave in to stress over the silliest things. Most of it was self-inflicted, unrealistic expectations for myself. Some of it was also because I failed to make room for God each day. Prayer the past two months has been something to check off my daily list, rather than much-needed time with the Creator of my heart. Thankfully, that's all changing now.

Everything begin to fall into place about two weeks ago. After another stressed out moment talking to Devin, he looked me in the eyes and said that the solution to my stress was very simple. Just take a deep breath and say "be happy" and smile. At first it seemed so silly, I mean there is just too much going on... how could just telling myself to "be happy" actually help? Despite my doubt, I decided to try it. After all, Devin is one of the happiest, most patient people I know. If this is what he does then maybe it will work. And it did!

The facts of my life have not changed: I still am a first year teacher, coaching volleyball, and planning a wedding. But now I'm starting to see all of these roles as blessings rather than stressors. I am a first year teacher - teaching math to 85 incredible 7th graders. I get to pray with them every day, along with being a math nerd. I am a volleyball coach - and I love being on the court and encouraging my team. I am planning a wedding - to the man I am convinced was put on this earth to get me to Heaven. It's pretty hard not to smile and just thank God constantly when I put on the "be happy" lens to my life.

As these blessings began to be more apparent, I also realized that God deserves more time in my life, even if I'm no longer a missionary. Tomorrow, I renew my consecration to Mary. With that, I'm also making a new, fresh commitment to my spiritual life. I won't share all the details here, but let's just say my 15 minutes of prayer will be stretched to more and Scripture and the rosary are back in my day - everyday. I'm done using being "busy" as an excuse not to become holy. I can't live out my Vocation to marriage and vocation to teaching without Jesus' help. And He is right there waiting for me..... every minute of every day.

To those of you who feel overwhelmed by what God is asking of you... take a deep breath... be happy... and smile.

The Peace Only Jesus Can Give

Today was a great reminder of why I need to spend time in Adoration whenever possible. I entered the beautiful Adoration chapel at my home parish with my mind racing today. Lately, I have been feeling the approach of the upcoming school year quite acutely and have been wondering how I will ever be ready when my students show up on August 21st. Add in finishing my online class, teaching Vacation Bible School, and planning a wedding and life just seems overwhelming! I spent the first part of my prayer simply distracted. Finally, I gave up my attempt at meditating on today's Gospel and opened my current prayer-time read: a book compiling various reflections on the saints from Pope Benedict XVI.

After reading what he had to say about St. Joseph and Mary's fiat at the Annunciation, a theme was beginning to develop.... simply do the task that God has given you. After all, that is what Mary and her spouse Joseph did to become saints... they simply and humbly did what God asked ("Be it done unto me according to your word.") As I came to this recognition, I noticed a deep peace fill my soul and a strange new confidence fill me... I'm going to be ready.

This summer has been one big lesson in letting God prepare me for the roles He has planned for me. Every day presents new challenges and opportunities to grow as a future teacher and wife. I am thrilled to begin my teaching career, and even more excited to begin my marriage to Devin. God has called me to these great roles... and He just needs a simple yes. He does all the rest. With Him, I know that I will be ready when those seventh graders show up in just a few weeks. And I know that everything will fall into place to make our wedding day a beautiful one. God won't have it any other way.

It's amazing what that prayer time did for my attitude. I headed off to Caribou (or as my mom would say, my office) this afternoon and was incredibly productive. My online class is no longer causing me stress. Preparing for school will be a breeze thanks to Pinterest (I don't know how teachers could do it otherwise). Once my confidence in my call to teach was lit, the ideas, hopes, and dreams for the year came faster than I could write them.

I know that there will be times when the world will shake my peace a little. But at least I know how to find it again - by simply saying yes to Jesus's invitation to just sit with Him. After all.... He has waited over 2000 years in the Eucharist just for me to be able to visit Him there.

He Hears Me... Literally

Last week, I was running a little late to get to 5:15 mass after a day of babysitting. I had decided to return some library books, and found myself crunched on time in rush-hour traffic (yes... Fargo, ND has a rush hour). As I waited at yet another red light, I prayed: "Jesus, please help me be on time for Mass." The minutes continued to tick by as I approached each block closer to St. Anthony's. As I took my last turn, I again glanced at the clock: 5:13. And then I smiled. I would get there... literally on time. "Ok, Lord, a little early would also have worked.." I parked my car and got into the Church, joining Devin in the pew as the priest entered. Jesus got me there on time... with a literal answer to my quick prayer.

It's funny because just earlier that day I was reading the daily Gospel and marveling at the disbelief of Jesus' apostles. The Gospel was Matthew 8:23-27, where Jesus calms the storm at sea. The apostles wake Him in the midst of the storm: "Lord, save us! We are perishing!" And then, just a few verses later, after Jesus has done what they asked, they are "amazed" and say: "What sort of man is this, whom even the winds and the sea obey?" Um... hello apostles... you're the ones who woke Jesus and asked Him to save you... why are you so surprised that He was able to do what you asked?

I think that sometimes we are like the apostles. We ask God for something in prayer and then, when He does just what we asked, we are confused. How did He do that? We, like the apostles, have "little faith." We pray, but we don't actually believe that God hears us or will actually respond. But if God truly loves us as His children... why wouldn't He? And if God is really all-powerful, why do we doubt His ability to intervene?

In addition to sometimes being surprised that God actually hears and answers us, I think we can also fall into the trap of letting our little faith prevent us from ever even asking for what we consider to be impossible. Whether it's for the conversion or healing of someone we love, or something as small as God sending us the song we need while using our iPod on a run, we don't ask for things because we don't really believe that God could do that. 

Lately, I've been trying to expand my faith and trust that "with God, all things are possible." I've been praying for what others may declare to be impossible, knowing that God might have a different way to answer my prayer than I expect, but placing my desire for these miracles in His hands anyway. Regardless of the outcome, I can already see that praying in this way is increasing my faith and God has already responded to these prayers in some big ways, more than just maneuvering traffic so I get to Mass on time. I invite you to do the same, right now. Ask God for something that you consider out of His hands, or too big for Him. And then be at peace, knowing that He will answer your prayer in the way (and time) that He knows is best.